My mother wanted to believe she would never lose me,

the way she wanted to believe in Christ
but now maybe all she believes is Thomas,
how he lost the world when the wound opened
to his finger. Thomas knew then
the world changes when the sleeper's eyes turn

into his head and open, dreaming. In his dream
the spear splits Christ's skin and splits his heart
irrevocably, so grief can be real and not faith's failure.
But Christ returned, Thomas traced a finger through the gash
and knew faith and the world conspired against him.

And I want to believe, staring into a tree's branches
where sparrows wake hours before the light,
in how the sparrows' chorus seems one voice
layered over and over itself—
birds so similar they could all be refractions of one bird,

shattered into a hundred selves
as I would shatter, into past and present, into two lives,
to be both child and man rather than the neither I am.
I want to walk into the house and sleep at my lover's back.
I want to stand on the rock in the river where I stood numbly

as a child, my mother looking on from a bridge,
watching my foot twist down the rock's slick face
into the current I thought wanted only to carry itself away.
If I could draw my foot back and suspend the moment
a few years… but then,