I was so young that I invented loss,
The image of the mother's face receding
On the far edge of the broken bed,

A child's face, implacable, returning
To a fountain in a foreign city—
Gods and tritons cracked and thin

Behind a chain-link fence that blurred
Into a veil, like the one that draws us,
Following ourselves, into the past.

Not even Rome is consolation for the death
Of children and to think about the future
Is to think of children and to think

About a child is to think of death,
If only since the child is the part of us
That's disappeared: Aeneas, having mixed

The ashes with the wine, surveying all
The future generations' gifts to Rome,
Attends to one tall youth, more beautiful

Than any other but with clouded brows
And downcast eyes, the child we will mourn,
For whom the lilies offer nothing in return.

It would be useful to believe we'd meet
Again, and all of Christianity
Seems poised against its knowledge

That the one who dies is not the mother
But the child, Jesus railing at heaven
And the sky, unanswering, omnipotent,

The image of what every parent feels
In the face of suffering that nothing
We have learned to do throughout the long

And unrewarded climb into adulthood
Can assuage. The possibilities
Are burdensome enough to think of

Much less see: the snowplow sliding off
The exit ramp or blond hair mimicking
A breezy summer at the bottom of the pool.

We're children then ourselves, incapable
Of action or intelligible speech—
A drooling infant sucking on his hands

Like Ugolino , who must hear his children
Whimpering for bread and bear their charity—
Our pain will lessen, father, if you eat us—

And do nothing but observe the sunlight
Leaking through the grille as one by one
The children dwindle to the floor and die.

These stories can't be told, as Dante says,
By tongues that babble in a language
Capable of words like mom and dad.

Our language is the child's world
And when we speak, no matter what we say,
We're longing for a world we've lost forever,

Only to find out, if we begin to poke
Around the dingy corners of the mind ,
That it's a world we never could have had.

Some people think they have an easy access
To whatever made them what they are,
And you can watch them, raising children,

As they replicate each long-lost pleasure
For themselves, pancakes wide
As dinner plates, served up with confidence

That what worked once may, recreated,
Work again. These are the parents
Who won't pay the piper once he's rid

The town of rats—the children lost,
Abandoned, past all help, all hurting,
Who will follow him into the hills

Across rat river, where the ghosts of children
Never born will whisper play with me
And we awaken in a sweat and wander

Down the frozen corridor to check
Their beds , their breathing, too embarrassed
To admit that when we dream about their deaths

We want to die. For if the pancakes work—
Piano lessons, weekends at the barn—
The children take the place of loss,

The part that's dead , and no one , having put
The past to sleep, however nurturing,
However fondly we remember it,

Could want to see its specter wandering
That hallway in the middle of the night
To ask for water or to say I'm cold.