Issue 225, Summer 2018
I walked in the door, took off my coat, took off my sunglasses, set them down with my keys, took off my shoes and socks, my jeans, my shirt, my bra and underwear, set them all on the chair by the door, walked into the house naked, went to the fridge, got my cucumber, went to the bathroom, lay on the floor by the warm heater, kissed the floor, said your name, said it again, looked up at you, slipped the cucumber inside and went all the way up deep, said your name, cucumber in and out all the way, all the up in, all the way out, my cunt lips sliding on the cucumber, you, you, you, then you were pissing on my face, which made me so excited I came came came. Then I was hungry. I ate naked in my kitchen. I looked at the clouds. I did some yoga. I took a shower. I combed my cunt hair. I roasted red peppers. I peeled and made cucumber salad with the cucumber since that was its last go of it. Was I curled at your feet while you watched the news?
Sometimes I like to feel sexy. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I like to be very plain. Invisible almost, hiding in plain sight. I want to hide and to be found. I wonder if people look at me and think that I survive just fine. Maybe I do, here I am. Sometimes I feel so excited to feel sexy. It makes me very sad and shy and exhilarated all at the same time. I love my tits. I like to look at them, to touch them, feel them, especially when they’re soapy, wet.
I hold on to everything. Will you please help me let go? Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by sadness and anger stuck in my body. Sometimes I want to be other people. Sometimes I hate parts of myself. Sometimes I feel like I am different people. Maybe I have multiple personality disorder. Nope, I don’t, just looked it up.
I don’t want to be so sad. I read that you should think of your emotions like an everyday object. I tried it out with a ballpoint pen. I held it, and I pretended that it was my sadness. I rolled it back and forth on my palm. See, it moves! I dropped it. See, it’s just a thing I can drop! But I still felt sad afterward. I also read this morning that to help stop swallowing air, you need to breathe through your nose. So I have been very aware of my breathing all morning, breathing through my nose and not through my mouth. But somehow I feel nervous about swallowing my saliva now, because maybe I’m swallowing air, and so I keep getting a buildup of saliva in my mouth. Maybe I’m thinking about too many things at the same time.