squirrel killer 
predawn snacker 
keeper of a card-table office in the garage 
taker of long trips to the bathroom 
eater of pork rinds 
pisser off of porches 
strange understander of small children 

owner of a gun in a locked closet 
mispronouncer of important words 
writer of limericks 
faker of injuries 
watcher of hummingbirds 
writer of caps-locked e-mails 

subscriber to risky stock message boards 
taker of aspirin 
forgetter of birthdays 
seller of old shit 
lover of depressed golf pros 
emergency exiter 

backer up of trailers 
replacer of fan belts 
caster of colored salt nets
builder of an ugly dollhouse
floater of rivers 
wearer of a blue-and-red robe

keeper of illegal fish houses 
twiddler of thick dry thumbs 
curler of electrical wire 
reviser of personal history 
priest of five A.M. in gainesville 
lover of caulk

buyer of deck shoes from ebay 
rejector of order 
objector of men’s civic associations, particularly the rotary club 
understander of lunar fissures 
scholar of tackle 
grand master of the word ain’t