Issue 96, Summer 1985
Finally they got the Singles problem under control, they made it scientific. They opened huge Sex Centers—you could simply go and state what you want and they would find you someone who wanted that too. You would stand under a sign saying I Like To Be Touched and Held and when someone came and stood under the sign saying I Like To Touch and Hold they would send the two of you off together.
At first it went great. A steady stream of people under the sign / Like To Give Pain paired up with the steady stream of people from under Like To Receive Pain. Foreplay Only—No Orgasm found its adherents, and Orgasm Only—No Foreplay matched up its believers. A loyal Berkeley, California, policeman stood under the sign Married Adults, Lights Out, Face to Face, Under a Sheet, because that’s the only way it was legal in Berkeley—but he stood there a long time in his lonely blue law coat. And the man under I Like To Be Sung To While Bread Is Kneaded On My Stomach had been there weeks without a reply.
Things began to get strange. The Love Only—No Sex was doing fine; the Sex Only—No Love was doing really well, pair after pair walking out together like wooden animals off a child’s ark, but the line for 38 D Or Bigger was getting unruly, shouting insults at the line for 8 Inches Or Longer, and odd isolated signs were springing up everywhere. Retired Schoolteacher And Parakeet—No Leather, One Rm/No Bath/View of Sausage Factory.