Learning the ins and outs of our Reptilian overlords.

An artist’s rendering of the coming lizard-human war.

This election was a nightmare. As the day grew close, I sequestered myself at home. I would not watch the news, read the paper, or visit any site more taxing then CuteKittenOfTheDay.com. I didn’t visit my relatives on Thanksgiving because I knew that turkey and dressing would devolve into torture and debacle. Instead, I hid at home, baked cookies, and binge watched Mystery Science Theater 3000. 

It was of course impossible to hide completely from the fallout, but at a certain point I knew things had gone over the edge. I heard stories of little children afraid to go to sleep for fear that Donald Trump would visit in their nightmares. Like a Golem or Frankenstein’s monster, he was poised to strike. I found out that the daughter of a right-wing family that lives next door to me in Connecticut literally thought that Hillary Clinton was a witch—like one newscaster called her—and was going to fly through the window and turn her into a toad. The candidates were called Nazis, fascists, corrupt thieves, even murderers. Who wouldn’t be scared of them?

I will tell you who: David Icke. For the last twenty-five years, this British, white-haired ex-footballer has been preaching an elaborate theory about who really runs the world. He explains this theory, along with its grim endgame scenario, to anyone who will listen, which means he speaks to thousands of his followers in the UK and around the world. His lectures fill enormous auditoriums and sports arenas. He sells books and videos and maintains a robust YouTube presence.

Despite his forays into archeology and the construction of the universe, and despite his surprising erudition about signs and symbols, Icke really believes one thing above all else: that twelve-foot-tall lizards from outer space rule the earth. When he says “lizards,” he doesn’t mean James Carville or someone who kind of resembles a reptile. He means actual lizards.

Thousands of years ago, you see, lizards came to Earth from the planets Orion, Sirius, and Draco. They were intergalactic usurpers and their plan was to interbreed with humans. Not sexually, thank God—by changing our DNA. Once they had transformed most of us weak and defenseless earthlings into their slaves, they would rule.

These Reptilians are not dull-witted things, like, say, pet-shop iguanas. These lizards are brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, that they’ve shape-shifted into the bodies of all sorts of people you may regard as revered and accomplished human beings. Among the lizard elite, Icke includes the entire British monarchy, the Bush family, the Rothschilds, absolutely everyone invited to Bohemian Grove, the Illuminati, Freemasons, most Jews, the Pope, Obama and his wife, and—inexplicably—the country-western singer Boxcar Willie.

The list is far more extensive, but you get the gist of the awesome power these lizards hold over the rest of us. Because it would be difficult for a twelve-foot lizard to fit into a six-foot human body, the lizards have perfected not only shape-shifting but also a hologram technology. You may think you’re looking at Queen Elizabeth, but it’s just a hologram of her. How smart is this!

Maybe such smart lizards, you may think, would do a better job of running this planet then we have. If only the lizards were dedicated ecologists and humanitarians, we might willingly submit to their rule. But sadly David Icke’s lizards are the bad boys of the cosmos: cannibals, pederasts, Satanists. They’re evil to the bone, like Hells Angels with scales. You really wouldn’t want them in charge of anything, even if most of them, being world leaders, are already running the show (except for Boxcar Willie, who hasn’t had a hit for years).

David Icke has convinced me that things can be, and maybe already are, much worse then anyone suspects. So I’m ditching the Democrats and the Republicans, the alt-right and the radical left, the libertarians and the Green Party, and throwing my hat in the ring with the Ickes Party. The Reptilian agenda is a matter of galactic import; human problems seem small in comparison. The first order of business is to build a wall and keep undocumented “aliens” out—and when we Ickettes say “aliens,” we mean aliens. This is, I’m told, our only hope.

Jane Stern is the author of more than forty books, including, most recently, Confessions of a Tarot Reader. With Michael Stern, she coauthored the popular Roadfood guidebook series. The Sterns recently donated forty years of archival materials to the Smithsonian museum, documenting the atmosphere, stories, and history of various restaurants, diners, and regional food events.