{"id":83773,"date":"2015-03-18T16:35:11","date_gmt":"2015-03-18T20:35:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=83773"},"modified":"2015-03-18T16:37:57","modified_gmt":"2015-03-18T20:37:57","slug":"vetting","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2015\/03\/18\/vetting\/","title":{"rendered":"Vetting"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"contacts\"<\/a>

Be afraid.<\/p><\/div>\n

I remember a local TV commercial that was, by the standards of the day, pretty high-concept, if low budget. It advertised the services of an area veterinary clinic, and it portrayed two dogs on leashes,\u00a0Muppet Babies\u2013<\/em>style (the viewer only ever saw the owners\u2019 legs).<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s the matter?\u201d says the friendly Labrador to the tiny white Maltese.<\/p>\n

When the Maltese responds, her voice is high with strain, vibrating with nerves. \u201cOoh! Gotta go to the vet!\u201d she squeaks. \u201cGotta go to the vet!\u201d <\/p>\n

The bigger dog explains that the vet\u2014the one being advertised\u2014is actually quite nice, and that the Maltese has nothing to be scared of. She departs, reassured.<\/p>\n

At this point the commercial is as much tall tale as fact. But at some point in the nineties, I swear it, this ad aired on our local station. How many times did my brother and I actually see it? Three? Four? It doesn\u2019t matter. Ever since, in my family, \u201cGotta go to the vet\u201d has served as shorthand for a certain kind of paralyzing, high-strung, situational neurosis. It means nervy, delicate\u2014think Bette Davis in Now, Voyager<\/em> while she\u2019s still a hysteric, or Peter Lorre when he\u2019s being pursued in Casablanca<\/em>, or Kim Richards on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills<\/em>. For example: an impending dentist appointment seems to bring out gotta-go-to-the-vet tendencies in many people.<\/p>\n

For me, the feeling arises whenever I have anything to do with contact lenses. I\u2019ve never been able to wear them. Maybe it\u2019s just a mental block, but in any case, it\u2019s resulted in numerous instances of panic at optometrists\u2019 offices, throwing the lenses wildly toward my eyes in the hope that one will magically land in its right place. Usually I end up weeping in an orgy of frustrated self-loathing. The reactions this has inspired from various optical professionals have ranged from sympathy to alarm to disgust.<\/p>\n

This morning, I was supposed to \u201ctry again\u201d with contacts. Having broken my glasses last week, I\u2019ve been walking around nearly blind, and it seemed silly not to at least attempt <\/em>something that any child can do. I regarded the appointment\u2014at a local LensCrafters\u2014with escalating dread.<\/p>\n

Even though I\u2019d received assurances that it wasn\u2019t a big deal, and had had people repeatedly rub their eyeballs in front of me to \u201cshow how easy it is,\u201d I had to \u201cgo to the vet\u201d in a major way. My heart was pounding. It wasn\u2019t that I was afraid of failure; I knew failure was inevitable. I just wanted to put it off as long as possible.<\/p>\n

In the end, I panicked. I told myself I needed to do more \u201ctraining exercises\u201d\u2014involving both eyeball touching and, to reduce my anxiety, a program of carefully calibrated mental flooding\u2014and that this would require a week, minimum.<\/p>\n

\u201cMaybe I should get myself an anti-anxiety prescription,\u201d I said to my brother on the phone as I walked ruefully down the street. \u201cI really, really have to go to the vet.\u201d I saw a passing woman give me a curious glance.<\/p>\n

Sadie Stein is contributing editor of <\/em>The Paris Review, and the <\/em>Daily\u2019s correspondent.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I remember a local TV commercial that was, by the standards of the day, pretty high-concept, if low budget. 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