{"id":29921,"date":"2012-04-19T15:30:56","date_gmt":"2012-04-19T19:30:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=29921"},"modified":"2012-06-18T16:59:15","modified_gmt":"2012-06-18T20:59:15","slug":"dear-don-draper-i-think-i-understand","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2012\/04\/19\/dear-don-draper-i-think-i-understand\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Don Draper, I Think I Understand"},"content":{"rendered":"

[facebook_ilike]<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Don Draper,<\/p>\n

I think I know what\u2019s wrong. Are you waking to pee in the middle of the night? Suffering from joint pain? Hot flashes? Vaginal dryness?<\/p>\n

Don, you\u2019re going through menopause.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m kidding. Sort of. No one doubts your manhood, especially not after Sunday\u2019s display of muscle and plumbing. You\u2019re a beefcake, buddy, grade-A American sirloin. When you stripped down to your undershirt it was like you were Spartacus entering the arena. Or, to put it in more modern terms, it was like you were Khal Drogo and the sink was your Khaleesi.<\/p>\n

Poor Pete Campbell in his dinky little party tie, face crimson and flush, fawning over you. Twice emasculated, and married to that ballbuster Trudy. She wears hair curlers to bed, Don. Hair curlers!<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Still, I\u2019d be lying if I said I didn\u2019t smile when Lane Price bloodied Pete\u2019s pretty, Waspy nose. Another victory for old England! First Geoff Hurst banks it off the crossbar in extra time to beat the Krauts, and now Lane Price with a nasty right hook. Campbell had it coming. You were right not to break up the fight. It\u2019s the producer\u2019s job to interfere there, nip that script in the bud before the first table read. At least it was entertaining. Nothing you can do but sit back and watch.<\/p>\n

But you\u2019re not sitting back, Don, and I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re watching. Maybe\u00a0Bewitched<\/em>?\u00a0Or are you just watching skyscrapers while you giggle and blush, dreaming of pregnant bellies and pink babies?<\/p>\n

Something\u2019s seriously off and I do think it\u2019s hormonal. I\u2019m not just talking about your new interest in monogamy. Monogamy I get. You\u2019ve got a hot wife, and you don\u2019t want to lose her. No more whores for you, homey, no more gum in\u00a0your\u00a0pubis. Whatev. Monogamy isn\u2019t the problem.<\/p>\n

The problem is you\u2019re getting emo and annoyingly moralistic. I mean, you of all people know that men have needs. And what Pete needed was a hooker on all fours. You didn\u2019t have to be a jerk about it.<\/p>\n

That was a really classy brothel: four-poster beds, bottle service, classical on the dial. We should all be so lucky. Brothels these days are all techno and neon, menthol and Bronx accents, heart tattoos faintly etched on buttocks. Maybe it\u2019s different if you\u2019re rich, I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>About the baby thing. Let me give you some advice in the form of an anecdote. You may know about the newsboys strike of 1899. Well ninety years later Disney based a movie on it starring young Christian Bale (see attached photo) as a seventeen year old orphan named Jack \u201cCowboy\u201d Kelly who leads the Newsies in rebellion against evil Joe Pulitzer.<\/p>\n

Cut to 2012:\u00a0Pulitzer\u2019s still a dick<\/a>, and\u00a0Newsies<\/em> is on Broadway, camped up and sexified, a Tupac hologram of its former self. I saw the show last night, Don, and it made me sad. The cast was great, and the dancing\u2019s spectacular, but I wish they\u2019d stayed faithful to the original story. In the Broadway version they made Jack an aspiring artist. Because American audiences like dreams to be literal.<\/p>\n

In the movie, though, Jack\u2019s only dream is poetic and vague, a magical place that he calls Santa Fe. But you know what happens in the end? Jack realizes something. He realizes that Santa Fe is in his heart. It\u2019s in his heart and it\u2019s been there all along. He realizes that while he was dreaming of freedom and lamenting the absence of family, he was forgetting the most important thing: he already had a family\u2014the Newsies. Almost makes you tear up, doesn\u2019t it? Real men sometimes cry, Draper. I\u2019m not ashamed.<\/p>\n

Point is: I see Santa Fe in your eyes. I know you\u2019re dreaming of a fresh start with Megan, yet another opportunity to bury your past. But you\u2019re too old to be Huck Finn this time, so don\u2019t light out for the territories. Remember Jack Kelly and the lesson of Newsies<\/em>. You already have a family, complete with newborn. They need you. And I think you need them.<\/p>\n

So here\u2019s what I want you to do: I want you to pull up outside Betty\u2019s in your car. Bring Megan if you want. Honk the horn until your children come dancing out the front door yelling, \u201cDaddy!\u201d Load them in the back seat and turn up the tunes. Pat Megan on the knee. Drive through the suburbs with a smile on your face. Light a cigarette. This is your life and it\u2019s not so bad.<\/p>\n

Food for thought, Don.<\/p>\n

Until next week,
Adam<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Adam Wilson is the author of Flatscreen: A Novel<\/em><\/a>.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

[facebook_ilike] Dear Don Draper, I think I know what\u2019s wrong. Are you waking to pee in the middle of the night? Suffering from joint pain? Hot flashes? Vaginal dryness? Don, you\u2019re going through menopause. I\u2019m kidding. Sort of. No one doubts your manhood, especially not after Sunday\u2019s display of muscle and plumbing. You\u2019re a beefcake, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":40,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1160],"tags":[7177,680,676,7178,7175,7176],"class_list":["post-29921","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-on-television","tag-christian-bale","tag-don-draper","tag-mad-men","tag-menopause","tag-newsies","tag-tupac"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDear Don Draper, I Think I Understand by Adam Wilson<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"April 19, 2012 \u2013 Dear Don Draper, I think I know what\u2019s wrong. Are you waking to pee in the middle of the night? Suffering from joint pain? Hot flashes? 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