{"id":28983,"date":"2012-04-05T08:39:23","date_gmt":"2012-04-05T12:39:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=28983"},"modified":"2012-04-05T15:38:58","modified_gmt":"2012-04-05T19:38:58","slug":"dear-don-draper-relax-already","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2012\/04\/05\/dear-don-draper-relax-already\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Don Draper, Relax Already"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Don Draper,<\/p>\n

I just got off the phone with my mother, and she\u2019s a bit upset. This is not your fault, I know. Mothers! You never really had one, so let me explain. They\u2019re a complicated bunch, prone to outbursts of emotion. Always clutching their chests like their hearts are exploding; always assuming any discoloration is cancer.<\/p>\n

For example, your ex-wife, one of the worst mothers around. One minute she\u2019s slinkily horny, and the next she\u2019s screaming at Sally for no reason. One minute she\u2019s stuffing her face with Bugles\u2014they still have those by the way\u2014and the next she\u2019s convinced that she\u2019s dying, ruining your fun by forcing you to face mortality. See what I mean? And Betty\u2019s not even Jewish!<\/p>\n

Speaking of Jewish: my mother. \u201cDaddy and I almost plotzed,\u201d she tells me, \u201cwhen that Jewish father said that ridiculous prayer. I mean, they could have had a normal Jewish person. You know, someone who went to NYU or Parsons even. Not some schlub in a madras jacket.\u201d<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I know you don\u2019t have a say in these things, casting and whatnot. You just show up for work each day, dapper and wonderfully stubbled. Casting is Matthew Weiner\u2019s territory. As a Jew himself, he should know better. That Ginsberg kid felt like he was fresh from Yiddish theater, a lesser Fyvush Finkel, only ten years too young\u2014the last of the Borscht Belt joke jockeys. They could at least have let his tie match his shirt! In a show known for the complexity of its characters, Ginsberg\u00a0 was a parody, Don, an animated cartoon among flesh and blood humans.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m worried about Weiner, I\u2019m not gonna lie. He\u2019s feeling the pressure now, what with Game of Thrones<\/em> horning in on the Sunday night audience, flashy with dragons and nipples and blood.<\/p>\n

If you see Weiner, remind him that\u2019s not his game. He\u2019s better at subtlety, or at least he used to be. Now I\u2019m not sure. Things have felt a little obvious so far this season. Take Betty, for example, and the way she\u2019s ballooned. That fat suit looks absurd and everyone knows it. Or the possible cancer plotline, swept aside in a single episode arc, so easily resolved.<\/p>\n

And what once felt like sly nods to the burgeoning counterculture now read as obvious winks. According to my mother, who was there at the time, that backstage Stones scene was anything but realistic. A blissed out teenybop calling Brian Jones a \u201ctroubador\u201d? C\u2019mon! I know it\u2019s only \u201966, but this is the Stones we\u2019re talking about! Where were the black turtlenecks and bad girls!<\/p>\n

And don\u2019t even get me started on that op-art display in Sterling\u2019s office. Cooper\u2019s Rothko was one thing, but this is simply too much.<\/p>\n

Still, I\u2019m glad you took my advice and checked out some more rock and roll, and I\u2019m sorry you had such a bad time at the concert. It wasn\u2019t fair that those girls thought you were old and toolish, or that even your wife Megan said, \u201cyou\u2019re so square you\u2019ve got corners.\u201d You\u2019re cooler than all of them, Draper, don\u2019t worry.<\/p>\n

I know this is hard to believe, but one day all the hip bands will wear tailored suits and skinny ties like you do. It\u2019s a retro thing, an homage. The cool kids these days don\u2019t smoke pot. They smoke cigarettes and drink bourbon and try to grow stubble like yours.<\/p>\n

Brooks Brothers even named a suit after you. I know that doesn\u2019t sound hip, but trust me. Brooks is back, mostly thanks to a band called Vampire Weekend. You\u2019d hate their music, but they\u2019re marketing gold: rich, white Ivy Leaguers playing African music and singing about shopping. So the Stones didn\u2019t want to do your Heinz commercial? Big deal. These bros would have jumped at the chance. All the new bands would have. Long story short, the music industry\u2019s fucked now, and the only way for musicians to make money is to shill for the commercials.<\/p>\n

As for Ginsberg, I\u2019m happy you hired him. At the very least you can teach him business politesse and color coordination. The young man could use some guidance, Don, and you need a new protege now that Peggy\u2019s all grown up. Maybe send a few of your surplus female admirers his way, too? Teach him the Draper magic and all will be forgiven. It would be a mitzvah!<\/p>\n

About your black secretary, Dawn. She gives me hope, and not just for civil rights. Now there\u2019s a smoothly handled new character, lacking in stereotypes, a bold addition to the office dynamic. Just don\u2019t sleep with her, Don. Seriously.<\/p>\n

Most of all, Draper, I think you need to relax. Wipe that scowl off and stop worrying so much. Have a drink for god\u2019s sake. Have two! You\u2019re only forty, dude. It\u2019s not the end of the world.<\/p>\n

With love from 2012,
Adam<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Don Draper, I just got off the phone with my mother, and she\u2019s a bit upset. This is not your fault, I know. Mothers! You never really had one, so let me explain. They\u2019re a complicated bunch, prone to outbursts of emotion. Always clutching their chests like their hearts are exploding; always assuming any […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":40,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1160],"tags":[680,676,54],"class_list":["post-28983","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-on-television","tag-don-draper","tag-mad-men","tag-television"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDear Don Draper, Relax Already by Adam Wilson<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"April 5, 2012 \u2013 Dear Don Draper, I just got off the phone with my mother, and she\u2019s a bit upset. This is not your fault, I know. Mothers! 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