{"id":173104,"date":"2026-03-16T10:10:04","date_gmt":"2026-03-16T14:10:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=173104"},"modified":"2026-03-16T10:03:57","modified_gmt":"2026-03-16T14:03:57","slug":"the-world-is-an-easier-place-without-you-in-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2026\/03\/16\/the-world-is-an-easier-place-without-you-in-it\/","title":{"rendered":"The World Is an Easier Place Without You In It"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

All photographs courtesy of Karen Shepard.<\/p><\/div>\n

September 17, 2023, 11:22 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: \u2026.swiss self-end-of-life\u2026
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

how much advance notice does one need for a date.. ?
\nare there any particular requirements\u2026.?
\nwhat is the cost\u2026.?<\/p>\n

can you find out\u2026?<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 18, 2023, 8:26 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: \u2026.swiss self-end-of-life\u2026
\nTo: mom<\/p>\n

Hi Mom,<\/p>\n

The name of the organization is Pegasos. VAD stands for Voluntary Assisted Death, and they\u2019re in Basel, Switzerland.<\/p>\n

The way it works is that you fill out an online application and submit the required documentation. Approval can happen in a few weeks, but it can take a couple of months, or longer, if they\u2019re busy.<\/p>\n

The required documentation: a passport, proof of residence (like a utility bill, etc.), a birth certificate (reissued within the last six months), medical records, and I think you may need dad\u2019s death certificate, but I\u2019ll check about that.<\/p>\n

I asked them what to do if there were no birth certificates issued at your place\/time of birth, and they said just use an affidavit that says that you\u2019ve tried to get a birth certificate and can\u2019t.<\/p>\n

The cost is estimated around 10,000 Swiss francs (about 11,000 US dollars) which includes everything except airfare and hotel costs.<\/p>\n

I sent them an email asking about your ashes being buried in Lausanne. I also wrote to Bois-de-Vaux cemetery in Lausanne to ask the same question. Will let you know what I hear back.<\/p>\n

Whatever you decide you want, I am here to help you.<\/p>\n

All love,
\nKaren<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 18, 2023, 11:39 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: \u2026.swiss self-end-of-life\u2026
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

forget it \u2013 it costs too much to do..<\/p>\n

must be an easier and cheaper way\u2026!!<\/p>\n

i forget whose wife but after he died
\nshe got the right selection of pills and died….<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 18, 2023, 11:43 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: \u2026.swiss self-end-of-life\u2026
\nTo: mom<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sure there\u2019s more inexpensive ways, and no doubt ways that involve less paperwork\u2014though as I said, I\u2019m willing to do that part of things for you. I imagine what you sacrifice is control and certainty. And, of course, anyone who helps you in this country will be exposed to prosecution for doing so.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 18, 2023, 12:35 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: \u2026.swiss self-end-of-life\u2026
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

the right combination of pills will do the job\u2026
\nthat\u2019s what ? wife did after he died….<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 18, 2023, 12:56 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: \u2026.swiss self-end-of-life\u2026
\nTo: mom<\/p>\n

It could, for sure. But it\u2019s not a sure thing; it could also, as in the case of some people we know, not do the job, leaving them in pain, out of control, dependent, and worse off than they had been. And that\u2019s if you can figure out how to get the amounts of the medications you would need.<\/p>\n

*
\nFebruary 14, 2024, 10:05 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nVoicemail
\nTang Yungmei to Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

Karen, can we go to this place as soon as possible? I\u2019m dying here. I want to get out of this place as quickly as possible. Can we get out of here? My leg is worse, and my stroke effect is worse. Everything is worse. My leg really hurts. Get me out of here, okay?<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

September 13, 2009, 12:38 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject:
\nTo: mom<\/p>\n

Hey,<\/p>\n

Emmett is doing a history essay on your baby shoes as a personal\/historical artifact of his. Can you write us any information you have about the shoes? Were they the ones you were wearing when you left your birth family to go live with Grandma? Do you know who made them? Are they the only object you have from your life with your birth family? Did Grandma save them for you, or did someone else? When did she give them to you? Did you take them everywhere with you? To NY when you moved there?<\/p>\n

Anything you remember about them and their history would be great and helpful. Thanks!<\/p>\n

Also, you were adopted in 1942, right? And then where did you guys move first and when? And then where and when? (He needs specific dates). When did Tang die? How did he die?<\/p>\n

Thanks for your help!<\/p>\n

Hope your trip is going well.<\/p>\n

Love,
\nK<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 14, 2009,\u00a02:09 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: Re:
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

hi there\u2026 got here in one piece…spent first couple of weeks sorting things out; now need to find more bookshelves, as well as several minor detail accessories…
\nas to your question re those baby shoes…really don\u2019t remember when I first got them; probably in malaya, and then kept them with me ever since\u2026.<\/p>\n

as to other facts, i suggest that you read chapter ten of your grandmother\u2019s book \u2018birdless summer\u2019\u2026thereon you will find dates and facts \u2013 we flew from china to india, then took a boat around south africa, up thru the caribbean, to nyc, and across the atlantic to england\u2026.. i had to read the book to know that i was in jamaica when i was two!…..so much for now…perhaps more later\u2026.hugs to all\u2026<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

September 15, 2009,<\/strong>\u00a05:14 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: Re:
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

cont\u2019d\u2026
\ni was bought from a woman who already had 3 girls; she gave birth to a 4th<\/sup> in the hospital where eliz worked as midwife, and wanted to keep the newborn, so she sold a middle one \u2013 me\u2026.\/eliz was unable to conceive\u2026\u2026
\ninterestingly, teresa in tucson tells me that eliz told her that she bought me from a woman in the street!!!…
\nas you well know, writers make up their own stories\u2026.<\/p>\n

age 2 left for england; age 8 left for hongkong\/by seaplane\/; started in a chinese boarding school, then a catholic day school\u2026age 12 left for malaya after eliz\u2019s second marriage\u2026.by ship, before my 12th<\/sup> b\u2019day, so i was half fare!….after the 1950 \u2018many splendored\u2019 love affair with australian \u2018london times\u2019 corres \u2013 ian morrison; ian was married, wife in s\u2019pore, wouldn\u2019t give him a divorce\u2026then ian was sent to cover korean war, and was killed at the start, in 1950\u2026.
\nas to tang, he died in 47, in north east china\/manchuria\u2026.eliz claims she is not sure exactly how \u2013 since he was kmt, perhaps by communists\u2026.or maybe he killed himself\u2026..
\na xi\u2019an student of mine wrote his final college paper about my origins \u2013 look it up online\u2026..he figured the conception time, and concluded that if i was born in feb 1940, nine mths before, eliz and tang were in separate cities \u2013 so, his guess is that i might have been tang\u2019s child with another woman\u2026.\/i prefer to believe this one, it\u2019s more romantic than her versions\/\u2026but, that doesn\u2019t explain, if eliz knew, why she would have accepted me, unless tang concocted some story — those shoes probably were mine when adopted, or made for me soon afterwards\u2026.don\u2019t recall when they came into my possession \u2013 might as well believe that i had them with me all the time, everywhere\u2026..
\nemmett can create his own version of the story, just knowing a few of the facts\u2026.
\nthe readers, or listeners wouldn\u2019t know any better; as long as it sounds highly plausible!!!…i suggest: i was wearing the shoes when eliz got me, and kept them forever with me as i got older — my one and only memento tie to some birth parent.<\/p>\n

addendum \u2013 which I probably have told you in the past sometime —<\/p>\n

eliz never told me of the adoption \u2013 i found out surreptitiously one xmas holiday when in brussels visiting her old belgian friend and family from her days as a student in belgium \u2013 helping with decorating a wall with chinese characters, he passes by and asks, \u2018do you ever hear from your mother?\u2019\u2026i instinctively knew that he was not referring to eliz \u2013 answered, \u2018no\u2019\u2026.’is she still in sichuan?\u2019\u2026.’don\u2019t know\u2019\u2026..and that was the end of that\u2026..stayed a few more days \u2013 and with delayed reaction, back in london, broke down, saw a psychologist; asked my nanny and another british friend of eliz\u2019s whether they knew that i had been adopted, \u2018oh yes,\u2019 both answered, \u2018but we were told never to tell you.\u2019\u2026..for years, as you might remember, this haunted me \u2013 why on earth tell someone else not to tell me, if she didn\u2019t want me to know\u2026..broke my trust\u2026.
\nfamily secrets are pervasive \u2013
\ntell emmett that i think it is wonderful that he has chosen to write about those little black shoes\u2026.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

February 9, 2024, 10:00 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Pegasos Association
\nSubject: Re: Birth Certificate
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

Dear Karen,<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve just finished updating our banking records and can confirm that your mother\u2019s deposit payment has been received, many thanks.<\/p>\n

Her application has been collated and sent for approval. The approval process is currently taking around 6-8 weeks.<\/p>\n

I have noted that the preferred timeframe for the VAD is ASAP. (This will help speed up the approval process.)<\/p>\n

Kind regards,
\n[REDACTED]<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

December 5, 1965<\/strong>
\nTyped Letter
\nTang Yungmei to her mother, Han Suyin<\/p>\n

We have a little girl. A long legged girl. And such a beauty. Sidney and I are overwhelmed.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

February 4, 1973
\n<\/strong>Handwritten Note
\nKaren Shepard to Tang Yungmei<\/p>\n

To Mommy
\nWhat is your Best feeling? maybe it is pushing your toes through sand or maybe it is rolling around in mud or maybe it is cleaning up your room. But whatever it is my Best feeling is sitting very close to my mother. By Karen.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

October 25, 2004, 1:01 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: Re: Re:
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

hi there\u2026.suspected that my telling you about spending the day helping with [Camilla\u2019s granddaughter] would obviously make you feel that way re: lucy\u2026often wish you were closer, and in the city more often\u2026but i guess with 3 children, and your teaching work it makes it much more difficult logistically\u2026camilla, of course, spends her life around her children and little ones \u2026.if the boys could stay with jim and\/or sitters, you could think of coming in only with lucy\u2026.before she starts some sort of day care or nursery school\u2026 no matter, there always comes a time when it is the right time to do what one wishes\u2026.
\ntake good care of yourself\u2026much love,\u2026.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

October 25, 2004,<\/strong>\u00a09:03 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: Re:
\nTo: Ymei<\/p>\n

Dear Mom,<\/p>\n

I\u2019m glad to hear that you often wish I were closer, that\u2019s a good thing to hear from you. But I wasn\u2019t talking about only Lucy and me. I was talking about all my children\u2014my whole family. I was talking about the pleasure it clearly brings you to hang out with other people and their families\u2014the effort you make to do so\u2014as opposed to how you seem to feel about me and my family.<\/p>\n

I really do wish that you wanted to be more of a part of the life I have made with Jim and the children. You\u2019ve said in the past that the happiness of my life sometimes makes you sad, is hard for you to be around, because you never had that in your childhood. As I\u2019ve said to you before, and I imagine I will always say to you: you can have that happiness now, with me, with my family. There is a place for you in this life that Jim, the children, and I have made. Emails like yours about [Camilla\u2019s granddaughter] sadden me because they highlight the ways in which you\u2019ve chosen not to take that place. It\u2019s not just a logistical problem. You have as much time as Camilla has to spend with her grandchildren.<\/p>\n

What you have seemed consistently interested in is focusing your attention on me, or Emmett and me, or Lucy and me. I can\u2019t divide things that way; I think of my family as a whole. I want you to be part of the whole, not something that works to divide it. I\u2019ve never wanted to exclude you from it. I am who I am because of you. I\u2019ve always hoped that you\u2019d find my family a warm and nurturing and desirable place to be. I\u2019ve always hoped my happiness would bring you happiness.<\/p>\n

Love,
\nKaren<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

October 26, 2004, 12:55 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: Re: Re:
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

Just a quick brief reply\u2026i am happy that you are happy\u2026however, i don\u2019t wish you to want me to be part of your happy family\u2026perhaps that day might come in the future\u2026as for me, i am not a camilla type\u2026you are totally self-reliant with your family\u2026. i have not gone out of my way to be with [Camilla\u2019s granddaughter] this week. — it was camilla who asked me if i could stay over in brooklyn… and having seen camilla with her i do feel that she needs help with the child while [Camilla\u2019s son] is at work; in and around the other arrangements that they have with neighbor friends, day care, etc….moreover, right now i am not involved in any special project in nyc, so i do have the time\u2026
\nit is a trek for me to get to williamstown, and i am not involved in the academic world in which you are — besides which you have a well established child support network up there, with jim\u2019s parents, student help, etc…in any case, i do believe that it is up to adult children to reach out to parents, and not parents to make the first move\u2026.
\nif this is hard for you to understand, at least you know that this is me\/the way i am\u2026granted, according to some chinese students i may not be a \u2018conventional\/qualified\u2019 grandparent\u2026 but i have always been more unconventional than conventional, according to others\u2026.
\ni am so used to nyc that it would be hard for me to sit in williamstown with only \u2018family\u2019 to draw my attention\u2026 was not brought up that way, and have never lived that way\u2026 i think it is the idea of my role that interests you and not really the me that i am\u2026.or perhaps it is the \u2018mother\u2019 me that you quite often told me abandoned you that you wish to recapture\u2026why can\u2019t you simply accept my interest in another child without feeling that you and yours have been displaced….personality, intellect, and inherent natural chemistry appeal to me more than mere family blood relationships\u2026.look at my relationship with eliz, and you can see where it started\u2026
\nperhaps this will help you understand better where i stand\u2026.??<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

March 19, 2024, 12:24 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re:
\nTo: Pegasos Association<\/p>\n

I\u2019m just checking in for an update about mom\u2019s application.<\/p>\n

Anything you can tell me will be useful for her.<\/p>\n

Thanks,
\nKaren<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

October 25, 2007, 9:52 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: Re: back in town
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

didn\u2019t check email yesterday\u2026so guess missed jim\u2019s reading – wed, right\u2026your email was dated tues\u2026got back late monday\u2026.<\/p>\n

at least eliz is well taken care of with all those rotating nurses\u2026.and she has company to hold court with, in french\u2026- not so when vincent was around\u2026
\nat best, the trip to see her further convinced my earlier thinking that there is nothing i can see of any feeling in her.\u2026losing v has probably erased all else from her memory — she claimed she didn\u2019t remember houses built in malaya, didn\u2019t remember running a clinic in a pharmacy — continually brushes it off with \u2018how can i remember all that when i have so much more taking up my time\u2019!!!!!. and, she says she never thinks of anyone\/true, she has always only thought of herself\/ not her sister in tucson, nor her cousins in china\u2026and she says people who do think of others are entirely selfish!!!…..lost cause on all counts, as far as i am concerned, or could ever wish\u2026.too bad\u2026but i now know for me \u2018to bury her before she even dies\u2019 — and hope that thoughts about her don\u2019t haunt me too often \u2013 this is why i have to keep myself busy with various projects as a camouflaging pentimento — important to keep my balance and sanity….<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

October 4, 2023,<\/strong>\u00a04:18 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: \u2026.apology\u2026
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

karen..<\/p>\n

i have been wracking my brain trying to
\nremember what i did or what i said that upset you\u2026.
\ni know i never intentionally mean to upset you \u2014
\ni do know that since the stroke years ago my memory
\nfails me\u2026.i don\u2019t recall what has been said to me or
\nwhat i\u2019ve said to anyone in particular \u2026.
\nif you want to remind me i would appreciate knowing\u2026
\nif not, please accept my apologies \u2026<\/p>\n

ps. nowadays, i often say things i don\u2019t really mean\u2026
\nand more often don\u2019t remember what i\u2019ve said\u2026
\nthis is why i prefer not to talk. \u00a0but prefer writing\u2026<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

October 4, 2023, 5:08 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: \u2026.apology\u2026
\nTo: mom<\/p>\n

Hi Mom,<\/p>\n

I really appreciate the apology, and I\u2019m sure it\u2019s disorienting not to be able to remember things.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been out of touch with you for the last few weeks because you told me our relationship was over. You were angry that I had learned, and then shared with you and [REDACTED], that a joint account between the two of you put both of you at risk. You had both agreed that the account should be in his name only. When I followed up with him to see if he had taken your name off the account, you wrote me these emails:<\/p>\n

Subject: \u2026end of relating\u2026<\/p>\n

why on earth are you bugging [REDACTED] about my name with his b\/account….?
\nit was my choice and my doing….only i can do what i want with it.. your doing this without telling me has ended our relationship….!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And then you wrote this email a few hours after that one:<\/p>\n

Subject: …not your business\u2026<\/p>\n

stay out of our business….<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I wrote back to you this email:<\/p>\n

But of course YOU are my business, as I am yours.<\/p>\n

I didn\u2019t do anything without telling you, and what I do is always, always out of care for and about you. I\u2019m sorry you don\u2019t see it that way.<\/p>\n

Do you remember what you talked to me about at dinner after Grandma\u2019s funeral? You said you wanted to break the cycle that had defined your relationship with her. I assured you that I thought we were already doing that. Part of how we were doing that is trusting that the other is always acting out of care and love. Again, I\u2019m sorry you don\u2019t see it that way, and I\u2019m sorry that means we seem to be perpetuating the cycle rather than breaking it.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And you wrote back:<\/p>\n

I AM NO LONGER YOUR BUSINESS.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

And then another message:<\/p>\n

AND YOU ARE NO LONGER MY BUSINESS\u2026<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So I respected those desires, though they hurt enormously.<\/p>\n

All I\u2019ve ever wanted is to be cared for by you, and I\u2019ve wanted to be able to care for you without being punished. I\u2019m not asking you to change, to do anything different, to be anyone other than who you are.<\/p>\n

And all of this aside, as always, I\u2019m here to offer you whatever I can. We can talk more the next time I come to the city. Let me know if a visit is something you\u2019d like.<\/p>\n

Love,
\nKaren<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

October 4, 2023, 5:39 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Ymei
\nSubject: \u2026.apology\u2026
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

thanks for writing back\u2026
\ni don\u2019t recall a lot of what you say I said\/wrote..
\nj\u2019s son alexandre is here for a week….why not come down…<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

October 4, 2023, 8:28 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re:\u2026.apology\u2026
\nTo: mom<\/p>\n

What I sent you were copies of your emails.<\/p>\n

I wish I could visit while Alexandre is there! Sadly, because of my teaching schedule and doctor\/dentist appointments, I can\u2019t come for a few weeks. I\u2019m having a tooth implant, and I may have to have foot surgery.<\/p>\n

But give Alexandre my best, and I\u2019ll let you know as soon as I can come.<\/p>\n

Love,
\nKaren<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

March 25, 2024, 9:58 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Pegasos Association
\nSubject: Re: Birth Certificate
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

Dear Karen,<\/p>\n

My name is Theodore [REDACTED], I work for Pegasos and was asked to take over your mom\u2019s dossier, which I hope is ok with you?<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve just received confirmation that your mother has the green light for a VAD, which basically means we can schedule her for. Could you give me an indication of you and your mother\u2019s current situation and timeframe?<\/p>\n

Best regards,<\/p>\n

Theodore [REDACTED]<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

March 25, 2024, 10:25 A.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: Interest
\nTo: Pegasos Association<\/p>\n

Hi Theodore,<\/p>\n

Thank you for reaching out, especially with this news that my mother will be happy to hear.<\/p>\n

Her current situation is that she is eager to come to you as soon as we can arrange travel from New York City to you. How many days should we plan to be in Basel both before the VAD and after?<\/p>\n

Thank you,
\nKaren<\/p>\n

*
\nApril 4, 2024, 6:00 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Pegasos Association
\nSubject: Re: Birth Certificate
\nTo: Karen Shepard<\/p>\n

Hi Karen,<\/p>\n

Would April 22nd<\/sup> work?<\/p>\n

Best,<\/p>\n

Theodore<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Apr 19, 2024, 8:26 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFamily Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard<\/p>\n

KS: Swiss Air First Class.<\/p>\n

She just told the man next to her that she\u2019s going to Switzerland to go to sleep forever<\/p>\n

JS: Sleep forever: well, she has a sense of drama<\/p>\n

LS: easily just ruined this man\u2019s flight<\/p>\n

KS: He is assiduously avoiding eye contact now<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

April 20, 2024, 12:05 P.M.<\/small> EST \/ 6:05 P.M.<\/small> CET<\/strong>
\nFamily Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard<\/p>\n

KS: She asked me today, \u201cAre you having fun?\u201d<\/p>\n

JS: With wonder or concern?<\/p>\n

KS: Wonder\u2026like: I\u2019m having fun, are you having fun?<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Apr 20, 2024, 5:44 P.M.<\/small> EST \/ 11:44 P.M.<\/small> CET<\/strong>
\nFamily Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard<\/p>\n

KS: She\u2019s talking to mitch. Highlights: Sidney and I slept together once, to have Karen, and never again.<\/p>\n

And apparently, it is my fault dad died.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

April 21, 2024, 1:53 P.M.<\/small> EST \/ 7:53 P.M.<\/small> CET<\/strong>
\nFamily Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

KS: Pretty different vibe today. She\u2019s been in bed most of the day. Annoyed that they\u2019re coming to pick us up \u201cso early\u201d\u20149:15 tomorrow. She didn\u2019t want to go out to dinner. She isn\u2019t eating what I\u2019ve brought into the room, except for some pastries. Some laughs and smiles, but mostly sleeping and grumping. None of it directed at me, at least not yet. She\u2019s taken off all her rings, her watch, her necklaces (except for the memento one of her trip to Paris with [REDACTED]); she doesn\u2019t want to talk to anyone, doesn\u2019t want to play Scrabble. Wondered if she should cut her hair, that it would be \u201ceasier.\u201d I said, we could brush and braid it, and she giggled. \u201cThe sun\u2019s out,\u201d she said once. Now, she\u2019s sleeping\/snoring a little.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

April 21, 2024,<\/strong>\u00a02:04 P.M.<\/small> EST \/ 8:04 P.M.<\/small> CET<\/strong>
\nFamily Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard<\/p>\n

KS: Nurse Carlos (from Peru\u2014plays jazz trumpet and the bagpipes) picks us up tomorrow. We go to the clinic, fill out paperwork, they set her up in the bedroom. When she\u2019s ready, they come in and put the medication in the IV. She practiced turning the little valve today when he visited us in the hotel room. 20-30 seconds she goes to sleep, then a couple of minutes later, she\u2019ll be gone. No pain, he assured her. Then a couple of hours of me dealing with police, medical coroner, etc. Then Carlos will take me back to the hotel.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

April 21, 2024, 9:08 P.M.<\/small> EST \/ Apr 22, 2024, 3:08 A.M.<\/small> CET<\/strong>
\nFamily Group Chat: Jim Shepard, Lucy Shepard, Emmett Shepard, Aidan Shepard
\n<\/strong><\/p>\n

JS: Do you think it\u2019s possible she\u2019ll change her mind?<\/p>\n

KS: With her, always a possibility. If she does, I\u2019ll have to insert the IV in myself.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

*
\n1947<\/strong>
\nExcerpt from The Book of the Desert<\/em>
\nStory by Tang Yungmei, age seven, written at boarding school in England<\/p>\n

On they went, led by Hassan, who every now and then looked over his shoulder at the Pole star and then at a bright star low down in the south, to make sure that he was going straight. Behind him came the long string of camels that formed the caravan, their drivers walking to keep warm, and singing little songs to their beasts as they went. Every one of them loved his camel and could tell its wide footprints among a thousand.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

May 9, 2024 4:14 P.M.<\/small><\/strong>
\nFrom: Karen Shepard
\nSubject: Re: Yungmei Tang wire transfer confirmation
\nTo: Pegasos Association<\/p>\n

Hi Theodore,<\/p>\n

I am actually finding that the world is an easier place without her in many ways than it was with her. We had a very good extended goodbye (starting in January when she fell and was living in rehab). That coincided with her decision to apply to Pegasos, and that made her easier in her own skin, easier with the world and the others in it, including me. So, I guess I don\u2019t really miss her in the way most people usually mean. It is certainly strange not to have parents in the world after how large they loomed in who I was and who I was reacting against and with, etc. And I miss the hope that I had when she was alive that we would figure out a way to be kinder to and more understanding of each other. I am just so grateful that the goodbye was more connected to each other than it might\u2019ve been, that life without her seems okay, largely because her death was what she wanted; it didn\u2019t happen to her, it happened because of her.<\/p>\n

Oh, yes, she was often aware of how difficult she was. I\u2019m sure she would\u2019ve said that I was difficult also. It was like a lighthouse: sometimes she could see herself with real clarity, and then the light would swing away, and she was unable to do so anymore. It was difficult, as her daughter, to have to learn how to not rely on that light.<\/p>\n

I hope you\u2019re well.<\/p>\n

Karen<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

April 22, 2024, 10:30 A.M.<\/small> CET<\/strong>
\nVoice Memo Transcript
\nPegasos Clinic<\/p>\n

KS: Why do you think people don\u2019t like to change? They\u2019re scared of it?
\nTY: They\u2019re scared of \u2026 oh, what do you call it?
\nKS: Uncertainty?
\nTY: Yeah, uncertainty. They only want to change if they know what they\u2019re getting into. It\u2019s secure.
\nKS: What were the moments of biggest change in your life?
\nTY: I don\u2019t know what changed. [Silence.<\/em>] I don\u2019t know.
\n[Silence.<\/em>]
\nKS: I want to say thank you.
\nTY: What for?
\nKS: For the role that you had in who I became.
\n[Silence.<\/em>]
\nTY: Maybe when you\u2019re ready, maybe you\u2019ll do the same thing I\u2019m doing.
\nKS: I might.
\nTY: You don\u2019t want to lie in bed, not able to walk, not able to talk, and \u2026 um \u2026 just a vegetable with somebody watching over you.
\nKS: I certainly don\u2019t.
\nTY: It\u2019s wasted time for somebody to keep an eye on you. Another human being who can\u2019t do anything. Can\u2019t talk, can\u2019t walk, can\u2019t move.
\nKS: Well, I would’ve done that for you if you had wanted to do that, but I don’t think you wanted to do that.
\nTY: To do what?
\nKS: To be like that.
\nTY: Of course not.
\nKS: Yeah.
\nTY: It’s a waste of time for you, or for any person who’s still able to do things. [Silence]. All those people in the place I was in for the last few months. It\u2019s terrible. I\u2019m sure they wanted to end their life, but no one was able to do it for them.
\nKS: Or with them. I\u2019m glad I got to keep you company on this.
\nTY: Yeah. Terrible. And it\u2019s a waste of money for the people who are watching them.
\nKS: Well, it\u2019s more \u2026 for me it\u2019s more a waste for the person themselves. Who wants to live like that? I don\u2019t want to.
\nTY: Yeah, but some people can\u2019t afford it.
\nKS: I know.
\nTY: Look at this money.
\nKS: I know.
\nTY: It\u2019s crazy.
\nKS: Well, that\u2019s another thing I\u2019m grateful for; that you were able to afford it.
\n[Silence.<\/em>] But mostly I\u2019m grateful that we get to accompany each other on this.
\n[Silence.<\/em>]
\nTY: I mean, you should probably sell one of the apartments at least and keep a big chunk of money in the bank, in case [Laughs<\/em>] \u2026
\nKS: [Laughs<\/em>] In case I need to do this.
\nTY: Because it\u2019s terrible if you don\u2019t have the money to do it, and you\u2019re lying there not able to move, not able to eat.
\nKS: It\u2019s true.
\nTY: It \u2026 it\u2019d be horrible.
\nKS: Maybe one of my children will just put a pillow over my head.
\n[Both laugh.<\/em>]
\nTY: Yeah, you could do that.
\nKS: I don\u2019t think I would ask my children to do that. Might be too hard. This is much more dignified.
\nTY: Also, I don\u2019t think, maybe it won\u2019t work.
\nKS: Right, and they\u2019d get in trouble.
\nTY: Yeah, that\u2019s true, right.
\n[Silence.<\/em>]
\nTY: Alright, so let\u2019s do it.
\nKS: You\u2019re ready?
\n[Silence.<\/em>]
\nKS: I love you.
\n[Silence.<\/em>]
\nKS: Let\u2019s put on some music.
\nTY: Take care of yourself.
\nKS: I will.
\nTY: So, what do I do? I just \u2026<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Found May 14, 2025<\/strong>
\nFrom a typed, unsent letter found in Tang Yungmei\u2019s files<\/p>\n

Karen,<\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to keep having the same nightmares for the rest of my life, and I dont want you to carry the same pain with you forever.<\/p>\n

I know I was the source of much of your anguish during your high school years. This is the side of me that I have to live with: I tend to do what I feel like doing, and I can\u2019t discuss what I do with myself. And, and this is a very big \u201cand\u201d, I do not have, and did not have, a single soul with whom I would or could have discussed any of my personal goings-on. To this day I do not have a \u201cfriend\u201d with whom I would discuss what I feel or do. I do not have as you do, a social network of close friends with whom I can diffuse what goes on in my head, let alone my heart.<\/p>\n

Do you believe Eliz was right when she said that I\u2019d only be interested in you through childhood?<\/p>\n

I knew that you would grow up and out and away from me. By now, you must have seen how unequiped I am for separation.<\/p>\n

As you say, one\u2019s past, one\u2019s childhood, one\u2019s growing up is always there to be revived, is always there to be made apparent in one\u2019s current life. There is no \u201cde-experiencing\u201d as it were, there is only \u201ccover-up\u201d. How well we do it, and how well we camouflage what we don\u2019t want to live with in ourselves, is our way of going on with life.<\/p>\n

What did I do with you that you didn\u2019t like?
\nWhat did I do that you didn\u2019t understand, and would like to know?
\nWhat would you have liked me to do that I didn\u2019t do?
\nWhat did I do that you did like?
\nWhat times do you remember with joy\/happiness\/closeness\/intimacy?
\nWould you like me to help you in your anguish?
\nWould you like to help me in my mine?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Karen Shepard is the author of four novels, <\/em>An Empire of Women,\u00a0The Bad Boy\u2019s Wife,\u00a0Don\u2019t I Know You?,\u00a0and\u00a0<\/em>The Celestials, and one collection of stories,\u00a0<\/em>Kiss Me Someone. She teaches at Williams College.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A mother-daughter story in documents.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2667,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4393],"tags":[67827,38040],"class_list":["post-173104","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-first-person","tag-featured","tag-mother-daughter"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThe World Is an Easier Place Without You In It by Karen Shepard<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"March 16, 2026 \u2013 A mother-daughter story in documents.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2026\/03\/16\/the-world-is-an-easier-place-without-you-in-it\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" 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