{"id":163687,"date":"2023-03-20T11:30:48","date_gmt":"2023-03-20T15:30:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=163687"},"modified":"2023-03-20T13:37:23","modified_gmt":"2023-03-20T17:37:23","slug":"porn","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/","title":{"rendered":"Porn"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

Ryan McGinley, Fawn (Fuchsia)<\/em>, 2012. From Waris Ahluwalia’s portfolio in issue no. 201 (Summer 2012).<\/p><\/div>\n

Well into my thirties, I was lucky enough to have friends with whom I could talk about anything. Anything\u2014except the subjects of porn and masturbation. It had always been that way for me, outside of a few explosive arguments with ex-partners. The rest of the time we didn\u2019t talk about it because we didn\u2019t need to, because everyone was cool with it\u2014or so our silence seemed to be saying. Except I was fairly clear that beneath this facade, I wasn\u2019t cool with it\u2014I\u2019d almost never had conversations about porn, and because I hadn\u2019t worked out my feelings and thoughts, I felt terrified to even begin. This seemed to indicate that I needed to bite the bullet and talk about it, and I imagined that other people probably did too.<\/em><\/p>\n

So, over the course of 2020, when many of us were at home, I began to speak with friends and acquaintances on the topic of porn, recording and transcribing our conversations. Initially, I thought that if I published the chats at all, I would somehow incorporate them into essays\u2014a safer and more literary and urbane strategy. Over time, I came to understand that these were conversations that needed to be presented as they were\u2014in part to convince other people of the benefits of speaking about porn, and to give an insight into what those conversations could actually look like in practice. What follows are extracts from three of the nineteen porn chats I had.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

ONE<\/strong><\/p>\n

A gay man in his early thirties. He lives in the United States, and is currently single.<\/p>\n

What is good porn for you? <\/em><\/p>\n

Good porn is no longer than twenty minutes long. Not to be overly virtuous, but I think that a lot of the porn I watched in the past\u2014and probably the porn a lot of people consume\u2014is pretty crappy and unethical. I\u2019ve been interested in the idea of finding more ethical porn, less problematic porn. There\u2019s more ethical stuff for straight people, a few sites. I\u2019ve found a lot fewer for queer stuff, weirdly.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

What would ethical porn look like? <\/em><\/p>\n

Porn that\u2019s less about cum, more about intimacy. Less about these \u201csexual scripts\u201d that seem to be a really tried-and-tested formula for what sex looks like when visualized. I\u2019m less comfortable watching some of the stuff I used to watch because I feel like it\u2019s programming me or it has programmed me and will continue to program me if I continue to consume it.<\/p>\n

Reinforcing scripts about what sex should be like? <\/em><\/p>\n

Absolutely, and about what bodies are attractive. The only way for me to really move beyond some of that generic shit that a lot of us assume is normal is to stop consuming it on a daily basis. Anything that I\u2019m engaging with on a daily basis is going to mark me in some way. I\u2019m not sure that watching problematic porn, even with a critical lens, is the answer for me.<\/p>\n

Have you observed the way these scripts impact you? <\/em><\/p>\n

Definitely. The annoying thing is, I\u2019m aware of the scripts but there\u2019s still something that draws me to certain formulas, because I\u2019ve watched thousands of porn videos where you can guess what\u2019s going to happen, step by step by step. You can guess who\u2019s going to be in it, the types of bodies that they\u2019ll have. I was going to say that\u2019s definitely changing, but I don\u2019t even know if it is. Go on Pornhub and it just still seems to be the same stuff. If anything, there\u2019s a bit more aggressive stuff on mainstream sites than ever.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Do you know what the part of you that\u2019s drawn to the scripts wants? <\/em><\/p>\n

Familiarity. The predictable is comfortable. It gives people a blueprint. It gives me a blueprint. It\u2019s useful knowing how other people see the world, what other people expect in sex, what other people enjoy in sex. I think a lot of my ideas about what my hypothetical partner might enjoy used to come from seeing how people in porn react to people doing certain things. Like, Oh, that person in the video seems to really enjoy a finger up their arse. Then it becomes, Do I even like fingering or do I just think my partner might enjoy it?<\/p>\n

And then, Do I know that they are actually enjoying it or are they performing this enjoyment because they also watch porn and think they should be enjoying it? <\/em><\/p>\n

Are we just acting out porn every time we have sex? Are we just watching porn and then recreating it? Where\u2019s the enjoyment? Where\u2019s the actual pleasure? It\u2019s so easy to go into autopilot and forget how fun sex can and should be.<\/p>\n

Do you feel like the stage at which you start watching porn and the way in which you watch it is important in this? Does it matter whether your first encounters with sex are IRL or through porn?<\/em><\/p>\n

Is anyone having sex before they\u2019ve watched porn?! I\u2019ve got this really vivid memory of being a young teenager\u2014me and my friends at this particular train station with a news kiosk on the platform. You\u2019d wait for a train to pull up to the station, and you\u2019d time it right so that you could grab the porn magazines from the kiosk and run for the train. Some weeks we might do it more than once. That was where my consumption of sex began, because that was my first interaction with porn. It was theft and it was on a train platform and it was part of this heist.<\/p>\n

Would you then take the magazines home?<\/em><\/p>\n

I would and I\u2019d be confused by all these boobs. So many boobs. Being a gay boy but still thinking to myself, I\u2019m meant to like this, all of my friends like this, why don\u2019t I like this?<\/p>\n

As a gay boy looking at those straight porn magazines, was there enough male presence in there to be stimulating or was it all women?<\/em><\/p>\n

It was basically all women. On some level, I was always searching through the pages to see stuff where women were interacting with men, and I don\u2019t think I often found what I was looking for. Most of the people reading them don\u2019t really want to be confronted by a dick. I preferred the images where there were men and women, but I never got into straight porn\u2014it never made much sense to me, so I had a big period in my teens where I just didn\u2019t watch porn. When I realized what homosexuality was, I didn\u2019t switch to gay porn\u2014that felt too scary. I just had no porn.<\/p>\n

It felt too scary?<\/em><\/p>\n

Being unsure about who I was then, consuming gay porn at that point might have tipped me over the edge. A gateway drug. Catholic schooling, through and through.<\/p>\n

So what was it like when you eventually started watching gay porn?<\/em><\/p>\n

It felt right and wrong at the same time. It felt right because I could tell I was more excited about what was going on, but it felt wrong in that it was so tied up with feeling uncomfortable in that identity and in my skin at the time. Once I started watching it, I couldn\u2019t stop. It\u2019d be daily consumption, in secret, with headphones on, blinds closed, when nobody else was home. It was a real shame cycle. Instant feelings of real aversion after I\u2019d finished\u2014clear browsing data, clear cookies, clear cache, whatever that even is. And my relationship with porn was really marked by that almost immediate feeling of discomfort after. I don\u2019t know what motivated me to continue to watch porn, but I wouldn\u2019t say it was pleasant.<\/p>\n

At that time, all the bodies seemed identical\u2014masculine-appearing men, having sex with what looked like their siblings. They were mainly white, everyone had abs, and all the bedrooms were the same. It was as if every studio had one bedroom and they just went in and used that one space.<\/p>\n

Did you have a clear sense of what was missing or was it a sense of, This is what porn is?<\/em><\/p>\n

I went as far as saying, This is what sex is. Sex is intercourse between models. I didn\u2019t even start to think about what other people who didn\u2019t look like that would be doing\u2014maybe reading, or watching TV, but not having sex. Sex was for skinny, attractive, masculine men, at least in my consumption of gay stuff. That was partly because I probably wasn\u2019t doing that much looking around. I went to the mainstream sites for gay porn because I didn\u2019t really want to be online searching through lots of different stuff. I had it in my head that if I got too exploratory, that would be how I got caught, and I couldn\u2019t get caught.<\/p>\n

That sounds like a very powerful script to be going into sex with. Did it make your first real sexual encounters quite difficult?<\/em><\/p>\n

It didn\u2019t, because it made me very selective about whom I would have sex with. I went on to perpetuate those ideals in my sexual partners. The first few guys I slept with were all tall, built, and more masculine. It took a while to unlearn all of that. I\u2019m still unlearning it.<\/p>\n

Would you say that unlearning process was conscious?<\/em><\/p>\n

More recently, it\u2019s been conscious, to do away with the ends of that. I still have to regularly remind myself of basic shit that I\u2019ve got to learn. I realized that being with someone conventionally attractive doesn\u2019t have anything to do with their personality. It doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019ll be nice. It doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019ll be funny. I was dating people because I thought they were \u201chot\u201d and realizing, Hold on a second, we have nothing in common. I don\u2019t even think I realized I was unlearning it. I was just connecting dots and realizing that whatever gauge I was using to pick people whom I thought I was interested in just wasn\u2019t working. It\u2019s not easy looking back on my behaviour.<\/p>\n

When I started learning how to date in my twenties, I\u2019d gravitate toward masculinity.<\/p>\n

I appreciate the scare quotes around \u201chot.\u201d I don\u2019t think there\u2019s anything wrong with wanting to find your partner attractive, and potentially that is something that you have to weigh up against them being a nice person. But I\u2019m fascinated by \u201chotness\u201d as received message, as social capital\u2014how much do you think they\u2019re hot because you think they\u2019re hot, and how much do you think they\u2019re hot because society has told you to think they\u2019re hot? It\u2019s easy to stand on your high horse and say, No, no, no, this is my personal taste, it\u2019s nothing to do with social pressures, but it\u2019s only once you start that process of unlearning, intentional or not, that you realize, Okay, no, I\u2019m much more affected by these standards than I thought I was. <\/em><\/p>\n

If the porn I was watching when I first found gay porn featured people with size 38 jeans, then the people I would\u2019ve been drawn to when I first started dating would\u2019ve looked different. Obviously, it\u2019s not just porn\u2014a lot of industries are to blame for how skinniness is so prioritized across genders. But fuck me, there aren\u2019t many things that teenage boys consume on such a regular basis during that critical period of identity formation. It\u2019s like learning a language. That\u2019s what I was doing\u2014I was learning a language of sex. I do want to watch more porn, I\u2019ve realized. I just don\u2019t know where to find it anymore. Of course this is not practical at all, but sometimes I think that the type of porn that I want to watch, I\u2019d have to make or direct myself.<\/p>\n

Have you ever felt that prospective sexual partners\u2019 expectations of you are shaped by the porn that they\u2019re watching? Are there special expectations that attach to you as a Black man? <\/em><\/p>\n

Yeah, absolutely. Before I came out, whenever I interacted with women, there was an expectation that I\u2019d be very masculine, very dominant and aggressive, and in fact, that\u2019s pretty similar with men. That\u2019s been my experience navigating the world through heterosexuality and navigating the world through homosexuality. A lot of people expect what they see in porn to be recreated in person, though that\u2019s rarely explicitly verbalized. Even in relationships, I think the ideas people have gotten from porn have shaped people. Not expecting me to have an emotional anything, really. I can\u2019t see a better candidate for what has shaped this other than porn.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s heartbreaking. It\u2019s also illuminating, if not surprising, to think that what lies on the flip side of the \u201caggressive\u201d stereotype is a total denial of someone\u2019s emotional reality. <\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not that I don\u2019t want to be dominant sometimes. It\u2019s just that that\u2019s not how I always want to have sex. The expectation is that that\u2019s where my preference has to begin and end whereas I\u2019m like, Well, sometimes I want to be thrown around too. Being boxed in like that pretty much ended one of my earlier relationships. I\u2019d initially accepted how fixed his views of me were, and it transferred outside of the bedroom, where he didn\u2019t expect me to have feelings. It made me feel like a piece of meat. I\u2019m a whole person! He wasn\u2019t a bad person, it was just a bad fit.<\/p>\n

Have you felt in the past like you\u2019re being fetishized? <\/em><\/p>\n

Definitely. There have been times where I\u2019ve been talking to a white guy on an app and they\u2019ve used the N-word. People have asked me if I\u2019m into race play. There\u2019ve been times where I\u2019ve felt ignored. Obviously it\u2019d be problematic to demand I get a response from everybody, but my experience and the experience of other friends of color who have navigated apps is one of being second-class citizens in that context.<\/p>\n

For dating, or for sex as well? <\/em><\/p>\n

I find there are more people who want to have sex with me than want to date me. For some people it can be about fulfilling a sexual fantasy, whether they say so or not, but it\u2019s not meeting a potential partner. People are allowed not to be looking for anything serious, of course, but I\u2019ve had the thing where someone\u2019s not looking for something serious, so we just have sex, and then maybe a week or so later they\u2019re in a committed, exclusive relationship with someone who looks like their sibling. I\u2019m like, Okay, cool.<\/p>\n

Are people ever vocal about the fact that you\u2019re their sexual fantasy? <\/em><\/p>\n

Oh, they\u2019re not just vocal, they expect you to be grateful. I chatted with a guy on Tinder about it once. It was a debate more so than a conversation. It went on for hours until I realized it wasn\u2019t my job to shift his understanding. Pouring energy into those debates is a trap for sure. If I\u2019m just a thumbnail for someone, that person isn\u2019t necessarily going to care about my comfort and safety during sex. So, not having certain conversations has implications for my welfare and health. I also have to remember that I\u2019ve been watching porn for a really, really long time as well. What am I<\/em> doing to people?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

TWO<\/strong><\/p>\n

A queer person in their late forties. They live in Japan and are in a long-term relationship.<\/p>\n

Is porn something you talk about with people around you?<\/em><\/p>\n

Well, leading up to chatting with you, I went off in all kinds of directions thinking about it. I made a Venn diagram, I was all over it. One of the things that really interested me was a presumption that I\u2019m part of a community that\u2019s all about sex positivity and body positivity, where we happily and freely talk about various sexual things at the drop of a hat, nobody\u2019s shy at all, et cetera. It\u2019s not necessarily true. I\u2019ve got these random memories of porn-related incidents or conversations in my various queer circles, and aside from those related to my partners, none of them feel really deep-down. So I was thinking, Maybe I don\u2019t really have a relationship with porn, fuck, what kind of a queer am I? That sense of disconnect goes way back. When I graduated from university, all the cool lesbians went on a camping trip. They went in their cars up into the mountains, and for some reason I got to go with them. There was a hailstorm, it was really atmospheric. The cool liberal studies graduates were talking about sex, and one girl, whose cool mechanic girlfriend Dusty was right there with her, was saying, I just got Dusty to let me touch her perineum for the first time the other day, and everybody was having this conversation. I was there thinking, Ah, that sucks for Dusty. If she hadn\u2019t had her perineum touched before, maybe she didn\u2019t really want to talk about it either. There\u2019s a coolness that doesn\u2019t always go with checking everyone\u2019s comfort level. I\u2019ve seen that a lot over the years\u2014people are happy to talk about sex while also not talking about it.<\/p>\n

I often sense that when we\u2019re talking about things that are hard to talk about initially, such as sex and porn and intimacy, that need to be \u201ccool\u201d can present a barrier. There\u2019s an echo of the way people worry about political correctness in this pressure to be pro everything.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cWell, of course we\u2019re fine with all of this\u201d\u2014that becomes a given. As you say, in most circles we haven\u2019t really got the language. That\u2019s why those sex toy videos I emailed you about are so great: \u201cI\u2019m just sitting here talking in a very normal salesperson voice with a little bit of extra softness about something I\u2019m suggesting that you\u2019ll really enjoy putting in your anus.\u201d The disconnect that\u2019s there is fantastic.<\/p>\n

When you haven\u2019t got a language around something, how do you go about developing one? At the start of this project, I didn\u2019t feel comfortable talking about porn or masturbation. It was absent from my life.<\/em><\/p>\n

From your spoken life.<\/p>\n

Exactly, from my spoken life. The distance between the discourse and what\u2019s actually going on is odd. When we\u2019re forming a new language, does it have to be a kind of \u201cfake it till you make it\u201d thing? Do you and your current partner talk about porn? <\/em><\/p>\n

My partner is just getting over a bout of the dreaded virus. It\u2019s been really rough, and he went away for a while to quarantine. We\u2019ve been talking on Skype like we did back when it was a long-distance relationship, when I was still in the sheep field. Yesterday I told him, I get to do the porn chat tomorrow, and I asked him what he would say his relationship is with porn. He said that, right now, the virus has killed his libido, he has no energy for anything. The idea of sexual things right now is still up there with, um, what was it? Chilies and caffeine: things he\u2019s not quite ready for yet. Back in the day when I was in the countryside and he was here, we would read porn to each other. Send each other little videos of readings, or read to each other live until my laptop battery ran out in the horse box. I don\u2019t remember what came first, but there were also wanking videos sent back and forth, on memory sticks. We had our own little poor-relation Pornhub going on. I\u2019d forgotten about it until I was thinking, Let\u2019s see, porn, porn, porn \u2026 oh yeah, there was all of that.<\/p>\n

Actually, we made a little video, using the videos we\u2019d sent back and forth to each other during that time, and sent it in for an online screening of pandemic porn. I don\u2019t know if we made it in, because it was three o\u2019clock in the morning here when it was playing in the UK and we couldn\u2019t get the link to work. I\u2019ll probably die not knowing. Or maybe someone will come up to me one day on the street and say, Oh my God, was that you in the sheep field?<\/p>\n

Do you have any anxiety around that? I\u2019m incapable of sending people videos or nudes or anything of me, because the idea of them getting out is terrifying in quite a nonspecific way. It\u2019s not a particular scenario based in my head. It\u2019s just a sense that I need to not do that for fear of \u2026 something. <\/em><\/p>\n

With unknown fears, it\u2019s not \u201cwhat if this happens\u201d\u2014it\u2019s \u201csomething could happen.\u201d But, people on the street, maybe not so much. When I was living in the city a long time ago, whoring, often I\u2019d be thinking, What if I\u2019m walking down the street and one of my johns sees me and says hello? How funny would that be? How weird would that be? What if someone who\u2019s only ever seen me naked sees me now? But that wouldn\u2019t really be any different in terms from one of my clients at the English conversation company I work at now seeing me in my not-work clothes. There are so many ways in which that work\u2014selling my full attention and all of my words for forty-minute sessions one after another\u2014feels more distasteful and more dishonest than selling my body for money. I\u2019m pretty sure I think that, anyway.<\/p>\n

Obviously the way porn and misogyny and patriarchy interact is massively tangled and anything but unidirectional, but I do find myself wondering about how porn radiates outward, in terms of shaping sexual practices and the things that people\u2014particularly men, I suppose\u2014want to enact in the bedroom. In your experience of doing sex work, did you see that play out, or see things that were clearly from porn? <\/em><\/p>\n

You can\u2019t not go there, though. That\u2019s the dark side, right? That\u2019s the not sex-positive or person-positive side. The truly sinful side. I was only doing sex work for maybe four or five months. It wasn\u2019t legal, I didn\u2019t have a visa for it. It was how I was making a living, but it was also something I had chosen to do out of interest, something I wanted to know the experience of. When I thought about it in terms of temple priestesses, say, when I went all ancient Greece fantasy with it and was like, This thing that I\u2019m doing and this service that I\u2019m providing for this person is holy, and if I was with someone from whom I could get that sense of gratitude for the profundity of what was going on\u2014because some people were like that, and that was amazing\u2014that was pretty right on. Others were very clearly not like that\u2014some people were doing things that they wanted to try out because they\u2019d seen them on TV, and they weren\u2019t nice things. Or they saw it that way. You can feel it. You can feel it in any situation when somebody is not seeing you as a human being. And that really sucks when you\u2019re naked and you\u2019re sucking their dick.<\/p>\n

Did you have a sense before you got to the being naked and sucking their dick part\u2014would you know which way the interaction was going to go? <\/em><\/p>\n

There are probably a lot of people in the world who have better risk antennae than I do, but even I sometimes would walk into a room and think, Oh, this is going to be one of those. Sometimes I\u2019d be wrong, and it would turn into something everybody could get something good out of. Other times it was just ugliness and abuse and it\u2019s a real shame that that\u2019s what people are capable of equating sex with. I\u2019m sorry that I didn\u2019t have the temple goddess strength to bring those people around. But how can anyone, really? All the ugliness is so deeply ingrained in us and so much of it is connected to not having a way to talk in a healthy way about it.<\/p>\n

Do you think there was more ugliness because at that time you were in the bracket of sex worker in their heads? And therefore on the slut side of the slut\/virgin dichotomy? <\/em><\/p>\n

Absolutely. The commodification bit, right? If money is what I value and I can get it for money, then sure, the person doesn\u2019t matter. That\u2019s gross. Even if I was telling myself that it was just a job, the experience of commodification in sex work was still physical, it was going into my body, and there were unscheduled long, weepy baths on the bad days, soaking that stuff out. And that was without any of the truly bad stuff having happened. I don\u2019t know how we fix porn, but it feels important.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not just porn, though, is it? Porn has emerged from and plays into this enormous patriarchal capitalist system. And it\u2019s so hard to imagine fixing just one part without fixing the thing in its entirety. <\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019d be fine if we could fix everything.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

THREE<\/strong><\/p>\n

A straight man in his early twenties. He is recently single.<\/p>\n

Can you describe your current porn-watching habits? <\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s not something that\u2019s set in stone. I probably watch it more in the morning than I do at night. I find that if I do it in the morning then I can just get on with my day. If I gave an estimate of how often, it varies on how I\u2019m feeling, but say two to three times a week.<\/p>\n

Would you ever masturbate without using porn? <\/em><\/p>\n

I have done, but if porn\u2019s available, then I\u2019d probably use that. It\u2019s more stimulating than my imagination. I\u2019m fine with pictures, but if we\u2019re talking videos, then these days I just use Pornhub.<\/p>\n

What would you be watching on there? Do you go for the top-page stuff? <\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll look through the top page first, and if there\u2019s anything there that catches my eye, I\u2019ll click on it. If I was going in looking and searching, I don\u2019t search for anything too crazy, to be honest\u2014maybe anal or orgies or something like that. Something maybe that I wouldn\u2019t do in my own life. I don\u2019t go out of my way too much. If there are things on the first page that aren\u2019t too bad, I\u2019ll watch them.<\/p>\n

You said you tend to watch things that are things that you wouldn\u2019t do in real life. Can you talk me through that?<\/em><\/p>\n

Yeah, not as much with anal, because obviously I\u2019ve done that quite a bit, but it\u2019s not something that you do all the time. With orgies and threesomes and all that kind of vibe, it\u2019s not that it\u2019s taboo, but that it\u2019s something that you don\u2019t normally experience. So it\u2019s living vicariously through that lens.<\/p>\n

The full fantasy experience?<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s my fantasy. I\u2019d probably be down for a threesome, but with the orgies, I don\u2019t think I\u2019d actually want to do that in real life. It\u2019s more that the chaos on screen of everything happening is quite stimulating. I wouldn\u2019t choose to watch a porn of myself, basically, because I\u2019ve got lived experience of that. Not that it wouldn\u2019t necessarily be stimulating, but I think if you\u2019re going to go to that effort, you watch something that you\u2019re not going to do yourself.<\/p>\n

Where do you stand on violence and rough sex\u2014that whole aspect of porn?<\/em><\/p>\n

Some people are into being a bit more rough, and I am as well, both watching and in my own life, but at the same time, there\u2019s got to be limits to that. I\u2019m not into people getting slapped in the face, or pinned down by the neck, or kicked. I get that maybe some people are, but to me that doesn\u2019t seem enjoyable. A bit of choking and a bit of slapping is fine as long as both parties are in agreement. Whenever that is happening in real life, you talk about it first and have safe words so you know that that\u2019s what you want. In regards to porn, even the taglines are worded in a way that fantasizes violence: \u201csmall white girl getting brutally destroyed\u201d and stuff. I do think that porn has created a fantasized ideal in people\u2019s heads about sex, and the physicality can bleed into people\u2019s lives. If you\u2019ve seen James Bond jump onto a fucking train in a film, you wouldn\u2019t then think, I can go and do that. But with porn, even though it\u2019s all scripted and specially cultivated in such a way that that\u2019s what the end result is, people take it too literally, and I don\u2019t agree with that.<\/p>\n

How old were you when you first saw porn, and how did it happen?<\/em><\/p>\n

My first experience of watching porn was when I was in first year, so I would\u2019ve been about twelve. It was my dad who showed it to me. He was in this group chat and one of his pals had sent these two videos. One was just normal sex and the other was called \u201cSuper Squirter\u201d\u2014you can guess what happened in that. They were both short\u2014one was maybe two minutes and the other thirty or forty seconds. He showed me them on his phone, and I was like, This is great shit, so I asked him to send them to me. Then I took them into school, showed all my pals. From there I just started searching myself\u2014the thing with my dad is the part I vividly remember. As much as I probably wouldn\u2019t send porn to my kids, I also think that when you do that, it opens up a dialogue. It makes a difference when you\u2019re able to talk about the same things and you laugh and enjoy it.<\/p>\n

Regardless of the kind of relationship you are in and how good the sex is, would you continue to use porn on the side? <\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s totally separate. It\u2019s a means to an end, almost. Masturbating lets off steam. It\u2019s not as if I\u2019m choosing to not speak to you in order to go and do this. It\u2019s when nobody\u2019s around. But moderation\u2019s a big thing. If I were doing it every day and it became not so much a habit as an addiction, then that\u2019s dangerous.<\/p>\n

Has the moderation come naturally, or is it something that you\u2019ve achieved?<\/em><\/p>\n

When I was younger, when I first started getting into it and falling down the rabbit hole, I was masturbating a few times a day for the full week, just thinking, Oh my God, this is amazing. Once I started having sex, though, the realization came that it\u2019s a really different ball game. Between the ages of fifteen and seventeen, when I started having sex and understanding more what sex actually is and what\u2019s involved, my porn usage really died down. It became more like I\u2019m describing it now\u2014a wee external thing for yourself. I would hate to rely on it. I\u2019d hate it to be an end in and of itself, to think it\u2019s better than the real thing. Maybe the first few times you have sex, it probably is. But then that brings up the question, How can I have better sex? That\u2019s more of a task, it\u2019s more interesting.<\/p>\n

Do you feel that porn has helped you to know what you like in bed, and to talk about it with people?<\/em><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to give it the credit but I\u2019m going to say yeah, I do think so. If anything, it gives you the language to explain and verbalize things. You see things in videos that make you think, That seems quite interesting, maybe I\u2019d like that. It all comes down to doing it, but porn did help in giving me the vocabulary to be able to express it. Take how vocal people are in porn. I can\u2019t speak for all guys, but I know that there are quite a lot of girls that aren\u2019t that vocal in real life. I\u2019m not talking about screaming in my ears, but just something, anything at all. That\u2019s what gets people off sometimes, that\u2019s what people really like. Even just moaning in somebody\u2019s ear can go a long way. Let\u2019s say you do see something and think, That looks good, I\u2019d like to try that, I have the vocabulary to express that, you\u2019ve still got to approach it with the understanding that, one, your partner\u2019s got to be into it, and two, that it\u2019s not going to be what you\u2019ve seen on-screen. Even talking about it is difficult, especially when you\u2019re younger and you\u2019re just starting out. When I was younger, I was in bed with girls who wouldn\u2019t take their tops off because they felt insecure. You can even go as far as having sex with somebody, and there\u2019s still that stigma, especially when you\u2019re in your late teens. To be able to talk about things, you have to feel comfortable. Everyone wants to talk about things deep down, but they find it difficult. Especially if it\u2019s a newer relationship or if you\u2019re sober, people really struggle. If you\u2019re in a committed relationship, it becomes second nature to discuss things. If you don\u2019t then your sex is doomed anyway. The more you do it, the more comfortable you are with talking, and if you\u2019re comfortable then other people are comfortable. That\u2019s the main thing: having a really good space to speak and to be judgment-free and to be like, I want you to feel pleasure, the same way I feel pleasure.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Polly Barton is a translator and writer. Her nonfiction debut,<\/em> Fifty Sounds,<\/em> won the 2019 Fitzcarraldo Editions\/Mahler & LeWitt Studios Essay Prize. This piece is adapted from<\/em> Porn: An Oral History<\/a>,<\/em> which was published by Fitzcarraldo Editions on March 16, 2023.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2342,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[68486],"tags":[67827,1132,68631,8258,180],"class_list":["post-163687","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-conversations","tag-featured","tag-interviews","tag-polly-barton","tag-porn","tag-pornography"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nPorn by Polly Barton<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"March 20, 2023 \u2013 \u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Porn by Polly Barton\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"March 20, 2023 \u2013 \u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"The Paris Review\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:publisher\" content=\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/parisreview\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2023-03-20T15:30:48+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:modified_time\" content=\"2023-03-20T17:37:23+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"640\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"960\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"Polly Barton\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@parisreview\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:site\" content=\"@parisreview\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"Polly Barton\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"30 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Polly Barton\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/a473265c288e5b8a73803d2f89fceed9\"},\"headline\":\"Porn\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-03-20T15:30:48+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-20T17:37:23+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\"},\"wordCount\":5966,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png\",\"keywords\":[\"Featured\",\"interviews\",\"Polly Barton\",\"porn\",\"pornography\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Conversations\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\",\"name\":\"Porn by Polly Barton\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png\",\"datePublished\":\"2023-03-20T15:30:48+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2023-03-20T17:37:23+00:00\",\"description\":\"March 20, 2023 \u2013 \u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png\",\"width\":640,\"height\":960,\"caption\":\"RYAN MCGINLEY, FAWN (FUCHSIA), 2012, COLOR PHOTOGRAPH, 45\\\" X 30\\\".\"},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Porn\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/\",\"name\":\"The Paris Review\",\"description\":\"The best prose, interviews, poetry, and art. Since 1953.\",\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#organization\"},\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Organization\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#organization\",\"name\":\"The Paris Review\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/\",\"logo\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/tpr-hadada-roundell-logo-square.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/tpr-hadada-roundell-logo-square.png\",\"width\":696,\"height\":696,\"caption\":\"The Paris Review\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/\"},\"sameAs\":[\"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/parisreview\/\",\"https:\/\/x.com\/parisreview\",\"https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/parisreview\"]},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/a473265c288e5b8a73803d2f89fceed9\",\"name\":\"Polly Barton\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/63c4d5a6e8d1a6e0c7b26eba5be4266d15937580dbbd4add70dc44b3876f8294?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/63c4d5a6e8d1a6e0c7b26eba5be4266d15937580dbbd4add70dc44b3876f8294?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Polly Barton\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/author\/pbarton\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO Premium plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Porn by Polly Barton","description":"March 20, 2023 \u2013 \u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Porn by Polly Barton","og_description":"March 20, 2023 \u2013 \u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d","og_url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/","og_site_name":"The Paris Review","article_publisher":"https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/parisreview\/","article_published_time":"2023-03-20T15:30:48+00:00","article_modified_time":"2023-03-20T17:37:23+00:00","og_image":[{"width":640,"height":960,"url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png","type":"image\/png"}],"author":"Polly Barton","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@parisreview","twitter_site":"@parisreview","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"Polly Barton","Est. reading time":"30 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/"},"author":{"name":"Polly Barton","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/a473265c288e5b8a73803d2f89fceed9"},"headline":"Porn","datePublished":"2023-03-20T15:30:48+00:00","dateModified":"2023-03-20T17:37:23+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/"},"wordCount":5966,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#organization"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png","keywords":["Featured","interviews","Polly Barton","porn","pornography"],"articleSection":["Conversations"],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/","url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/","name":"Porn by Polly Barton","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png","datePublished":"2023-03-20T15:30:48+00:00","dateModified":"2023-03-20T17:37:23+00:00","description":"March 20, 2023 \u2013 \u201cI was learning a language of sex.\u201d","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/rm-12-fawn-fuchsia-45x30-1.png","width":640,"height":960,"caption":"RYAN MCGINLEY, FAWN (FUCHSIA), 2012, COLOR PHOTOGRAPH, 45\" X 30\"."},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/20\/porn\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Porn"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/","name":"The Paris Review","description":"The best prose, interviews, poetry, and art. Since 1953.","publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#organization"},"potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#organization","name":"The Paris Review","url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/tpr-hadada-roundell-logo-square.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/04\/tpr-hadada-roundell-logo-square.png","width":696,"height":696,"caption":"The Paris Review"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/"},"sameAs":["https:\/\/www.facebook.com\/parisreview\/","https:\/\/x.com\/parisreview","https:\/\/www.instagram.com\/parisreview"]},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/a473265c288e5b8a73803d2f89fceed9","name":"Polly Barton","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/63c4d5a6e8d1a6e0c7b26eba5be4266d15937580dbbd4add70dc44b3876f8294?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/63c4d5a6e8d1a6e0c7b26eba5be4266d15937580dbbd4add70dc44b3876f8294?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Polly Barton"},"url":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/author\/pbarton\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/163687","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2342"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=163687"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/163687\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":163734,"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/163687\/revisions\/163734"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=163687"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=163687"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=163687"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}