{"id":163488,"date":"2023-03-02T10:49:52","date_gmt":"2023-03-02T15:49:52","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=163488"},"modified":"2024-08-05T11:26:23","modified_gmt":"2024-08-05T15:26:23","slug":"things-that-have-died-in-the-pool","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/02\/things-that-have-died-in-the-pool\/","title":{"rendered":"Things That Have Died in the Pool"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

Photograph by Isabella Hammad.<\/p><\/div>\n

This is a section of the diary I kept while writing my forthcoming novel, Enter Ghost, about a performance of Hamlet in the West Bank. <\/i><\/p>\n

Wednesday, May 20, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

My world has shrunk dramatically. The benefit of lockdown for me is learning to live day in day out without constant change. This is life, time passing. This is how I imagine most people live.<\/p>\n

I looked at the objects in the house<\/p>\n

the titles of the books<\/p>\n

strange incandescence from the windows<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, May 21, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

I feel, what is the point of anything<\/p>\n

going places\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 seeing people\u00a0 \u00a0 doing anything<\/p>\n

just ways to pass the time<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, May 29, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

I woke too early again\u20145:30. Stayed in bed until 6. Deep itchy dry cough\u2014hopefully just allergies \/ recovery from smoking at the weekend. It is the weekend again! Time slips by so quickly during lockdown. L. cycled to see me yesterday\u2014I like him when he is my friend. He seemed pleased I am involved-ish with someone although I also detected a bit of jealousy. But mostly goodwill. He said his relationship is stable and suggested somewhat lacking in passion but who knows if that\u2019s true. I think he feels I fucked up what happened between us and that I wasn\u2019t trustworthy. But I know he was also seeing someone else at the time so I don\u2019t really feel guilty. He & I would not have worked together.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I like Annie Ernaux, I think I\u2019ll read all her books. The premium on honesty & exactitude. Hard to know exactly what you are aiming for in writing\u2014the achievement of certain effects, the creation of \u201cbeauty\u201d (?)\u2014but as close as possible to honesty\u2014if not truth\u2014is a clear and actually radical-feeling goal<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Today I will speak with J. about Prashad & Benjamin\u2019s Critique of Violence<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I dropped coffee on the stairs & I don\u2019t think the stain will come out. I tried over several days, putting mum on video call to help me. I will offer to pay for a cleaner.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 lurid imagination<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Saturday, May 30, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

I slept longer last night but only because I slept a bit earlier\u2014around 11. Woke at 6:30 again \/ 6:15. Tired. Z. came for dinner. She is reading my manuscript and will drop it off on Sunday. Nervous and looking forward to her thoughts. So tired it\u2019s unbearable. Will I spend my whole life sleepless like this? I used to be able to sleep long. Now I am too light, I am made of nothing, I rise too easily.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday, June 8, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

thinking about A. & Q.<\/p>\n

from Z. to do:<\/p>\n

– creative summary of Hamlet<\/em> before rehearsal<\/span><\/p>\n

– cast list earlier<\/p>\n

– Gaza coastline end of Chapter 2. Lifeguards<\/p>\n

– arabic in arabic script<\/p>\n

– one of the cast from Gaza<\/p>\n

– getting her passport renewed<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday, June 15, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Read Jacques Ranci\u00e8re.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Hamlet is a dead man from Act One.<\/p>\n

Look up map of Bethlehem & camps.<\/p>\n

Simone de Beauvoir The Mandarins<\/em><\/p>\n

p. 275 \u201cThe truth of one\u2019s life is outside oneself, in events, in other people, in things; to talk about oneself, one must talk about everything else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Where Russian mass spectacle overtly ideological and affirmative, Dada group (at least in early phase) all negating, anti-ideological and anarchist.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, July 2, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dreamt I went to Amman & didn\u2019t pack any shoes\u2014didn\u2019t plan what to pack at all\u2014got there\u2014opened bag\u2014tons of Converse, for some reason<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 invited S. & T. over thinking I. & I. were out\u2014they came back, had to hurry everyone out & round the corner<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 something about Teta<\/p>\n

everything feels porous\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Majed\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Jihad<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Jenan\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Ibrahim \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Wael\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Mariam\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Amin\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Faris<\/p>\n

what circumstance shows Mariam excluding Sonia from Ophelia<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sonia watching Jenan\u2014having recently read those lines<\/p>\n

Jihad saying something<\/p>\n

Sonia unsure if he is joking<\/p>\n

repetition<\/p>\n

play after play<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014This rehearsal itself a performance<\/p>\n

this exhausting thing where I have to be invisible all the time<\/p>\n

the outrage I seem to cause when I take up space or assert myself<\/p>\n

I woke up very early that morning and sat outside with a young man cracking olives on a brick to get them ready for curing\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 smoking narghile<\/p>\n

Amin says\u2014I had a dream about you<\/p>\n

there is so much sky here<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Wendy Brown, Wounded Attachments<\/em>, 1993<\/p>\n

restless trees<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 incarnation<\/p>\n

murderous heat<\/p>\n

everyone on their phones<\/p>\n

later<\/u> correct thought about Faris\u2014that she should give misogyny so much leeway<\/p>\n

argument amin & wael<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, July 9, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 special crumbling plaster<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014ask Jess E.?<\/p>\n

visual pleasure<\/p>\n

patchwork of quotations\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 hunger in the eyes<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 swedish woman<\/p>\n

[ dreamt about Randa ]<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 oppression turns you into a collective subject rather an individual self present<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 actor in possession of your body<\/p>\n

illusory Genet thing: power of Pals<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 & lack of power of Isrs<\/p>\n

[ deconditioning of impulse ] ——————————– *<\/p>\n

[ email theater person ]<\/p>\n

burning city<\/p>\n

soon to be darkness<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday, July 13, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Struggling to concentrate on Sonia.<\/p>\n

Liberation exists in desire, not identity.<\/p>\n

The feeling of running from a burning building.<\/p>\n

Death nibbles at everything\u2014everything will disintegrate but we will go first\u2014human bodies are weaker than concrete walls<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, August 21, Andros, Greece<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sitting on shared balcony upstairs, looking down, or across, at the sea. Still quite amazed I am here. S., T., C. Everyone is very considerate, understanding, easygoing. Interesting that I usually expect some pettiness or neuroticism or selfishness or irritation to react to\u2014so that I feel the least easygoing in some respects, even though I am very easygoing. Like, I didn\u2019t like the music N. played at dinner the other night; the others didn\u2019t even notice.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Greece reminds me of Palestine.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 First few days especially I couldn\u2019t concentrate on complicated reading; starting to come back to me. Because just a body in the heat, under the sun. S. & T. are both so brilliant & so attuned & knowledgeable; makes me want to know more, read more; they are of course older than me but still.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Plans for future\u2014uncertain \u2026 visit Athens for a week, come back to Andros? I will go to see the house with Riccardo that he says is beautiful and \u20ac350 a month. I will be lonely but I will write. It is better to be lonely somewhere beautiful. When N., M.\u2019s friend, visited with his sister he only said being stuck on Tinos all lockdown was wonderful. But I can\u2019t help thinking he must have been lonely. T. said he seemed a bit intimidated by us and maybe he did, his gestures were very careful, they didn\u2019t talk much. Dinner conversation was all pleasantries, which was perfectly pleasant.<\/p>\n

Things that have died in the pool:<\/u><\/p>\n

2 dragonflies<\/p>\n

a bat<\/p>\n

a butterfly<\/p>\n

a lizard<\/p>\n

several wasps<\/p>\n

2 (?) crickets<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, August 28, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Last day at the villa on Andros\u2014the end of summer rustling. I am ready to go although I regret not writing, thinking more while here. I will move to Athens tomorrow for at least a month.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Yesterday went to see the little house in the mountains above Korthio\u2014a village called Kochilos\u2014ancient little house with staggering view\u2014but I\u2019m not sure I want that level of isolation if I don\u2019t have a car but I did \/ am thinking about it. T. got grumpy from the drive and C. was jokingly on his side, getting annoyed at S. for both his enthusiasm and his imperfect directions\u2014who took their annoyance with a smile. I felt a bit isolated and retreated into myself. At a very windy beach I entered the water feeling strangely on verge of tears. Why? Because it was my fault we went on the long drive at noon, instead of having lunch first? I climbed over the rocks under a big fallen rock round the corner of the beach & sat in a stony inlet protected from the wind. Lost my sunglasses in the sea when I went for a wee. Sat on the rocks under the cliff & finished Lord Jim<\/em> with the sea rough and dramatic seething on the rocks and between them.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I am the opposite of my boisterous self at the beginning of the trip. Maybe I am getting ready to be alone & write.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sunday, September 6, 2020, Athens<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dreamt about E. On a boat, at night, in a storm.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sitting on balcony reading A. Chee (I like it) & hearing a sound like an azan, a ways off\u2014a mournful chanting. Maybe a Greek Orthodox church?<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Sky is very blue, stinging blue. Getting sensitized to my surroundings. Being observant makes me feel peaceful.<\/p>\n

Thoughts about NOVEL<\/u>: bring the abortion up front.<\/p>\n

Maybe this morning I should trawl through Hamlet <\/em>looking for a title.<\/p>\n

Edward Said on Lord Jim<\/em>:<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u201cNeither man, whether hearer or storyteller, truly inhabits the world of facts\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wednesday, September 23, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Question: Why is it that whenever I begin to approach my work I feel the beginnings of fear? I start to feel depressed? And yet when I\u2019m not doing it I feel dissatisfied.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Saturday, September 26, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Amin\u2019s brother\u2019s story<\/p>\n

a love too new, too strong still, in its first violence<\/p>\n

a lot of people dinging out of elevators<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, October 2, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

In my new flat in Exarcheia\u2014Kallidromiou. Big 2-bedroom, 1970s, marble sink, old shutters. Ancient fridge, malfunctioning oven, balconies front & back.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Everywhere I stay there is building work across the way. Sitting at desk in back bedroom I see through the balcony doors a man with a handsaw on the 3rd<\/sup> floor a few buildings back.<\/p>\n

E. called me yesterday & again spent an entire hour talking nonstop about his ex-wife. I called him a chronic interrupter & it briefly seemed to give him pause.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wednesday, October 7, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Struggling to write<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, October 8, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Grief\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 give me 40 days I need 40 days<\/p>\n

Joan Didion: \u201cthe relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself\u201d<\/p>\n

Henry Miller: \u201cThe ancient Greek was a murderer\u201d<\/p>\n

phantom seas of blood<\/p>\n

to be free of time & space \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 to be in mythic time\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 to be free of context \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 in Greek time<\/p>\n

falling into history<\/p>\n

meditate<\/p>\n

dreamt of Q, somehow, renting a beautiful flat in a very dangerous neighborhood<\/p>\n

Rilke: \u201cthe questions \u2026 like locked rooms\u201d \u2026 again<\/p>\n

murmur in the blood<\/p>\n

Sonia is unrefined & unfinished\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 still second order<\/p>\n

unbearable freedom \u00a0\u00a0 marriages like public shelters<\/p>\n

Lenin: \u201cUltra-leftism is an infantile disorder\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sunday, November 8, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Comical? That he left on first day of quarantine \/ lockdown, & when I got in the taxi to take him to the airport the driver asked, looking shaky, if we were husband & wife. He said no, at which the driver explained only one of us could be in the taxi then. So I got out & we said goodbye on the pavement.<\/p>\n

Hanging her laundry outside and something falls, a string vest, onto the awning of the flat two floors below.<\/p>\n

I felt inexplicably happy.<\/p>\n

Strange dream \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 swimming\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 a woman said, you don\u2019t have any jewish friends & yet you have jewish lovers\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 an eavesdropper looked at me, shocked; I said, she misspoke\u2014I am palestinian, she meant to say israeli, not jewish<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, November 13, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

NO MORE SMOKING\u2014ruins concentration in the mornings.<\/p>\n

Reading Baldwin, Another Country<\/em>, first chapter I have a feeling of dread & anger about male violence.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tuesday, November 17, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Dream: in the French quarter in Athens, where J.R. stayed; gated community, residential, everyone speaks French.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 as lightning freezes motion<\/p>\n

someone turns up with a microphone, puts it in front of his mouth, one man & then another, some of them praying wearing baseball caps & backpacks in the heat, sheikh takes over, wearing sunglasses, gives the khutba<\/p>\n

\u0639\u0644\u0649 \u0647\u0630\u0647 \u0627\u0644\u0627\u0631\u0636 \u062a\u062d\u062a \u0627\u0644\u0642\u0628\u0629 \u0627\u0644\u0632\u0631\u0642\u0627\u0621<\/p>\n

I\u2019m sorry, he said, seeing the expression he\u2019d brought to her face<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday, November 30, 2020<\/strong><\/p>\n

Returning to writing, reflection. Went back to sleep after being woken by reversing truck bleeping & accidentally slept until 10:45. Went to illegal dinner of 7 people at a journalist V.\u2019s house in the neighborhood. I met her first\u2014or saw her first\u2014when I went to look round her flat, as she is staying there temporarily & it belongs to friends of I.L.\u2019s. But it\u2019s a sublet (and they were overcharging) so it wouldn\u2019t work for my residency application. Then I met her again at my neighbor S.\u2019s house for brunch a few weeks ago & she recognized my eyes (I\u2019d been wearing a mask). I recognized her curly hair but only after she said it.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 At dinner: V., S., S., a journalist who used to live in Palestine, a Greek Romanian woman D. and her partner, Australian. I forget his name. Was nice. I felt the journalist was performing a lot, cracking jokes. Funny how American journalists who have lived in the Middle East often have a similar vibe. Weathered, knowledgeable, insecure.<\/p>\n

I dreamt about A. That I waved at him from across the street in Jerusalem but we didn\u2019t actually meet. Later I found out from a policeman who was also an Oxford porter and also an American don that A. had covid. And that E.\u2019s mother was a billionaire, and her neighbor was in the Greek secret police.<\/p>\n

The problem of obsessing over originality\u2014divorcing technique from its proper aim\u2014empty virtuosity. The problem of the West post-Reformation<\/p>\n

jinn are made from fire<\/p>\n

angels from sunlight<\/p>\n

iblis a jinn<\/p>\n

shaytan from moonlight?<\/p>\n

The Bible: demons love water & search for it. Luke 8:29\u201333<\/p>\n

\u201cI have heard that guilty creatures sitting at a play\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Wednesday, January 6, 2021, Athens<\/strong><\/p>\n

How to write about that feeling I was reminded of last night at the end of Hurdle<\/em>: a sheerness of desolation & sadness produced by structures of injustice; the quiet wail of the soul; boys jumping on blocks of concrete<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, January 21, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

Seem to be fighting something off. Sleeping long hours. Dreamt about being unable to wake.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, January 22, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

Still strange chest pain. Sleeping 9 hours a night. Want to finish story & send to A. although I don\u2019t think he\u2019ll like it. Haven\u2019t smoked in almost 2 weeks.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sunday, February 7, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

I got ill again\u2014sinus, ears\u2014even though I haven\u2019t been smoking just tiredness\u2014a busy week. Chose a flat to buy in Neapoli, offer accepted\u2014started teaching\u2014and then had one particular night of terrible sleep that did me in. Read that M.A.G. who I met when he was O.\u2019s roommate has been arrested and I just felt so angry. Then questioning my anger. Wrote novel today but still feel stuck in the voice. Repetition of the \u201cI.\u201d Need to read some first-person narratives that relieve the pressure of the I\u2014variation. Have started The Shape of the Ruins<\/em> by Juan Gabriel Vasquez & enjoying.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0I can\u2019t believe that almost a year has passed since I was lying on Q.\u2019s sofa trying to prepare for PalFest before I flew to Jordan & they announced the cancelation, the circulation of the virus \u2026<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I am currently sitting in my spare room at the back, west-facing; I am grateful for this view. Like being on a ship. I see the skies alight in the afternoons, cracks of sun behind clumps of soft cloud, crowding together; the buildings, far enough away.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Saturday, February 13, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am tired of this flat. This is the longest I have remained in one house for years and years. I hate the temporariness, I hate the things on the walls, the crappy Ikea beds. Maybe I should think of it as\u2014the temporary place where I will finish my novel. Hard not to feel divorced from the novel\u2014written by a former self. To write about duende and the ecstatic experience of art-making\u2014when I cannot access that. Is this because the pandemic makes time feel so uncontained; unlaces the compartments we allot our time into, so that one thing bleeds into another & destroys (or dilutes) concentration? Everything is diluted<\/u>, that\u2019s it.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Went to the beach twice this week. It felt good to be in a different environment, to swim in the shocking cold. A pretty effective antidepressant.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The balcony doors of this flat feel flimsy; they let air and creatures in.<\/p>\n

I think I am despairing less than some others currently\u2014why? Am I bored of despair?<\/p>\n

The environment where they do the performance is crucial. Basically I need to go around the West Bank imagining places to put on plays.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, April 9, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

Passage of time is frightening. It is already spring\u2014I have still not finished my book or achieved very much.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I feel increasingly concerned by qu. of living an ethical life\u2014at least that\u2019s where my thoughts often go. Revelation last year partially induced by conversation with L. and then expanded by analysis that ethical behavior begins with ethical behavior toward the self. i.e. self-respect is a moral issue. This seems to solve something for me.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Another revelation is my cynicism. A tendency toward satire, against the humanist proposition of the fictional endeavor\u2014perhaps a zeitgeisty anti-empathy moment in public discourse fuels this\u2014but which also runs contra to my real-life behavior, my hopes from people I meet, & so on. This has also come out in conversations with C. re: faith, & my lack of it\u2014not only in a \u201chigher power\u201d \u00e0 la ten-step programs but faith in anything larger, metaphysical, not trapped or deterministically conditioned by systems.<\/p>\n

everything is so overwhelming\u2014thoughts pass through me\u2014constant feeling that my thoughts aren\u2019t good enough<\/p>\n

Z. called thinking it was my birthday. Loved talking to her\u2014we talked about the importance of remaining flexible, not just inheriting opinions or saying \u201cit\u2019s settler colonialism\u201d & mic drop, that closes the debate\u2014& the Nathan Thrall piece in the NYRB<\/em><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 nothing more compelling than a love story<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014but why? The ultimate in human connection, the \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ultimate form of it<\/p>\n

do a story in numbered paragraphs<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 the idea of learning from lovers<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 (I am always seeking to learn from lovers)<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wednesday, April 21, 2021, Athens<\/strong><\/p>\n

woke up with anxieties of uselessness<\/p>\n

slowness<\/p>\n

a parcel of eggs<\/p>\n

pg. 43 Coetzee In The Heart of the Country<\/em>:<\/p>\n

\u201cOut of the blankness that surrounds me I must pluck the incident after incident after incident whose little explosions keep me going\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, May 14, 2021, Athens<\/strong><\/p>\n

dreamt about Gaza\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 was a journalist watching Hamas getting ready in a field\u2014ready, essentially, to be slaughtered<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 every \u201ctown\u201d was next to another town\u2014no space between\u2014more like neighborhoods<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Very cramped, everyone\u2019s house led to another\u2019s house<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, May 28, 2021, Athens<\/strong><\/p>\n

The day of my first vaccination. Enjoying staying at B.\u2019s\u2014woke up this morning thinking about how miserable I would feel if I was living on my own at the moment. Now\u2014I have company and I can rest. Post-cease-fire. Trying to return to dreaming state of mind. The war increased my phone addiction\u2014I feel like I need a detox.<\/p>\n

Contemplating going to Brown in the fall. Have to think about what I want to teach\u2014on archives? Benjamin, Carlo Ginzburg, Saidiya Hartman.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Monday, June 14, 2021, Amman, Jordan<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have been here almost a week. Flew in last Monday night arriving at 4:20 a.m.; M. came & picked me up & drove me to N.\u2019s place in Abdoun. Really lovely to see all of them\u2014N., T., M.\u2014although I have felt quite tired and useless, not sleeping well, rising tired, not working well. Still, it\u2019s nice and hot and reassuring to see friends. Cigarettes and hash from last night are heavy on my lungs.<\/p>\n

My head isn\u2019t really in the novel yet. I know I have to get there\u2014by reading and thinking.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wednesday, June 16, 2021, Amman<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now at S.\u2019s in Dabouq \/ Sweiseh. Dreamt of R.<\/p>\n

Book<\/u>: who do I write this for?<\/p>\n

Hegel in Haiti<\/em>, Susan Buck-Morss: Hegel got the idea from the Haitian slave revolt.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Friday, June 18, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

To fight the fight but also to fight against the fight.<\/p>\n

Winnicott\u2019s object to be used.<\/p>\n

\u201cPalestinian violence seeks to maintain sanity for its people through the insistence that the self exists even as the oppressors seek to deny it\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tuesday, June 22, 2021, La Marsa, Tunisia<\/strong><\/p>\n

first impressions:<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The cucumbers are whitish and hairy. The larger ones are quite bitter. The seawater seems a bit dirty. The air is misty, the horizon meets the sky in a bluish haze, blurred out. Buildings are low, white; small windows, splashes of blue like in Sidi Bou Said, then majnuni trees bow over garden walls and flood a corner with color; domed entranceways, everything designed to keep out the heat.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 People are calm, not like in Bilad al-Sham. No need to cover up, dresses and shorts fine. Everyone worn-out and shushed by the heat.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Thursday, June 24, 2021<\/strong><\/p>\n

Still sore from yoga yesterday. Explored Marsa Corniche. Hot & salty air, humid. Saw a black cat with a face like J.S. It was approaching so I gave it the stink eye.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Tomorrow, Friday, I will start writing in the morning. In the afternoon maybe see Z., & then dinner in Sidi Bou Said with M.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Now an orange cat that reminds me of E. Playing hot and cold, friendly eyes, wanted food but got the message, sitting farther down the wall ignoring me.<\/p>\n

Merleau-Ponty: \u201cOur thinking cannot be separate from the bodies in which it takes place.\u201d<\/p>\n

Jacques Lacan: \u201cWe desire the desire of the other.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Sunday, June 27, 2021, La Marsa, Tunisia<\/strong><\/p>\n

Saw M. for lunch\u2014all other Sunday plans dissolved because people are a little flaky. Seems I might need to leave for Paris on the 7th<\/sup>, not the 13th<\/sup>, as Tunis is going on France\u2019s red list. I have to find somewhere to stay. I am at Y.\u2019s from the 13th<\/sup>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I like Tunis\u2014although it does feel a little dull. Everything calm, fine; hardly any harassment\u2014less than Greece, anyway. Everything is a tad placid.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Some thoughts Saturday morning, Paris<\/strong><\/p>\n

Will be nice when I live in my own place, responsible for my own things, taking mercy on others when they break something of mine.<\/p>\n

How particular the French are.<\/p>\n

Paris is cramped and expensive.<\/p>\n

Sophie Toscan du Plantier\u2014dangerous to be female. That\u2019s why they are so protective of us.<\/p>\n

The playground as a first social space, the place of particular kinds of fantasies. Cartwheeling, skipping rope\u2014none of which I did, actually.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Saturday evening <\/strong><\/p>\n

Walked toward Shakespeare & Co. but never made it, spoke to A. & walked home again. Some rain.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Suddenly I have a pang\u2014I\u2019m not as hardworking as a million others\u2014one thing at a time, finish this book & then read & work on the syllabus, read many things, you don\u2019t need to be anything but what you are\u2014<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 My exhaustion is so intense, that\u2019s the problem, there\u2019s a kind of deadline on this now since I\u2019m going to Brown\u2014I\u2019ve lost the adrenaline & impetus of pre-Covid life only slowly returning to it<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014but also don\u2019t lose sight of your subject matter, recent events<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014think of Simone Weil\u2019s heart beating across the globe<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 \u2014perhaps some feeling of fear is good for getting your ass moving\u2014I assiduously & obsessively made notes & filled notebooks for The Parisian\u2014<\/em>but remember I also want to be happy, I, like everyone else, will die soon<\/p>\n

I liked the rain today, it reminded me of London \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ugly English rain<\/p>\n

Kanafani: \u201cMan is a cause, not flesh and blood passed down from generation to generation like a merchant and his client exchanging a can of chopped meat.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Tuesday, July 13, 2021, Paris<\/strong><\/p>\n

dreamt \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 spaceship hovering above Dublin. Someone went to investigate with an air bicycle. I said, I had a Gaza dream about a spaceship\u2014it looked just like that; square, lights, filling the sky, not moving. Feeling among us in Dublin that this was inevitable; we would all go up there.<\/p>\n

A man pursuing me, my friends weren\u2019t dead, just hiding.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 O.T. [the writer] was living in the building, he had copies of The Recognitions<\/em> and something else I loved. I told him I had trouble concentrating on reading.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I killed the pursuing man, he wouldn\u2019t die quietly, I slashed his throat\u2014I think he stood in for H. because I told him I loved him & he said he was sorry and then he said he loved me too.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Wednesday, July 21, 2021, flight, Paris\u2192Athens<\/strong><\/p>\n

Picasso Rodin\u2014saw with M.<\/p>\n

Lots of paintings of lovers kissing or fucking, war & sex\u2014the two great topics<\/p>\n

also the Courbet at the Mus\u00e9e d\u2019Orsay\u2014L\u2019Origine du Monde<\/em>\u2014I think I actually blushed when I saw it\u2014& then I watched M.\u2019s reflection in the glass of the other painting on the perpendicular wall, waiting for him to move so I could look at it properly. And then we sat on the grass, or lay rather, in the garden of the museum.<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Beside me on the airplane someone\u2019s sister watches a Lara Croft movie on her phone\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 glass shatters in slow motion as Angelina Jolie dives through a window<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 But returning to Rodin<\/p>\n

also why am I always dropping things<\/p>\n

chronically \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I am so clumsy<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Rodin\u2014engaging with the human form again\u2014somehow a delight and a surprise to think again of the human creature in a skin<\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 this funny animal we are with 2 legs and 2 arms<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Isabella Hammad<\/em>\u2019<\/span>s story<\/em> \u201cGertrude<\/a>\u201d appears in the<\/em>\u00a0Review’s Winter 2022 issue.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201c(I am always seeking to learn from lovers)\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1737,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[68416],"tags":[27164,7682,67827,582,68392,270,8010],"class_list":["post-163488","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-diaries","tag-athens","tag-diaries","tag-featured","tag-palestine","tag-pandemic","tag-paris","tag-pools"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThings That Have Died in the Pool by Isabella Hammad<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"March 2, 2023 \u2013 \u201c(I am always seeking to learn from lovers)\u201d\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2023\/03\/02\/things-that-have-died-in-the-pool\/\" \/>\n<meta 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