{"id":161984,"date":"2022-10-13T13:41:09","date_gmt":"2022-10-13T17:41:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=161984"},"modified":"2022-10-13T13:46:48","modified_gmt":"2022-10-13T17:46:48","slug":"unconditional-death-is-a-good-title","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2022\/10\/13\/unconditional-death-is-a-good-title\/","title":{"rendered":"Unconditional Death Is a Good Title"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"

Yellow tree, via Wikimedia Commons<\/a>. Licensed under CC0 4.0.<\/a><\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

vladimir nabokov said:<\/p>\n

i confess i do not believe in time
\nin BEING AND TIME, poor heidegger
\ndidn\u2019t finish the time part in time
\nto publish it with the being part
\nso everything-now must be not-being
\nthere is a pine needle stuck in the screen
\nthe side nearest me must be the being side
\nthe one further away\u2019s the time side
\nnabokov only said the first line
\neven when you have nothing to do
\nthere\u2019s not enough time in the day<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

there are 5 stinkbugs on the back porch\u2014the stinkbugs don\u2019t make you feel good or likable. but the one beautiful tree we have that i can see is still fulsome. in years past it\u2019s always been the best & most long-lasting foliage tree & now, even in this year of all the leaves blown down & drabness, as i see it, it\u2019s a glorious tree between the locusts, acting as if there\u2019s not a stinkbug around.<\/p>\n

if i\u2019m so smart how come i don\u2019t have another typewriter? i\u2019d like to know what the word indexicality means too.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

this will be a little test to see if expressive(?) writing is a cure for the malaise of the coronavirus. well it doesn\u2019t cure the pain in my left knee, there is something wrong with my stomach which is nerves. walking home from church, the daily news magazine had elvis presley who r & i were forbidden to listen to on the cover. when i got home i found out that my father had died, i was 12. the local parish priest was there, did he come on to me? do you want to see him (my father)? I said no. he\u2019d died in the bathroom. he\u2019d been home from work with muscle spasms, at least that\u2019s what i was told. then i got my period for the first time. my mother already had breast cancer & had lost a breast. my homelife was a nightmare, later my uncle took us out to buy us records. i felt that this was a very weird idea, replacing my father with an LP? i helped pick out what my father would wear in his coffin, opting for the pink tie & gray suit, i felt that the grimness we felt need not be communicated. in my childhood i spent some time trying to comprehend what was happening. i\u2019d lie on the bed, tracing the patterns of the bedspread\u2019s design, never succeeding. i needed assistance. i became a very serious person.<\/p>\n

june 21, oh oh 2020 it\u2019s fuckin father\u2019s day, a free ice cream cone from moxie\u2019s, hot as hell climate change heat, coronavirus time, trump had a rally in tulsa, we saw a mink in the backyard, also a jackrabbit, today annabel will come, hard to believe anybody will come, the birds nesting on the back porch, entering through the screens are, according to phil via sibley\u2019s, house wrens! perhaps it came from the other porch, a worm-eater, if you will; we also have warblers, sweet singers all. here a spider eating a caterpillar, a good meal for both dad & grads.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\n

i\u2019m bored to tears, the weather is warm. i\u2019ve moved my operation off the porch; it was a cold day, it\u2019s sort of raining, we saw a brilliantly red tree in rayville, everything on my piles falls down into hades, i\u2019d better empty out hell & use it as a storage bin so i have room to type. there\u2019s stinkbugs everywhere. tonight we\u2019ll to an ashbery memorial. to know where everything is to be at last alone. but who wants that? a scintillating set-to, or a being-here, or a being-here. not growing old gracefully, i\u2019ve chosen to grow old awkwardly, like a teenager. i don\u2019t want anyone to know i\u2019m here. it\u2019s dark & unsavory where i go but i never go, i never went, through the window headfirst, imminent somersaulting by the door, i can\u2019t hear you, i need an ear-horn. i\u2019m a katydid in distress.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

july 2, memory is running, that\u2019s the only july i remember, i mean that July is the only, are the only things i remember, don\u2019t have time for more, i mean room, red sorrel, popover, joel schumacher, time is a room, you could say time was anything; about MEMORY, stop time is a curtain blowing in the wind, i remember what\u2019s in the pictures but not what\u2019s in the words, the words could be any words, maybe i should\u2019ve memorized memory.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

now the leaves are rushing off the yellow tree, yeller gal, yeller gal, flashing through the night, summer storms will pass you, unless the lightning\u2019s white. but that was an airplane. my favorite thing to do is to watch a volcano erupt or see the northern lights. i\u2019d like to have seen the nazca lines & everything in asia, i\u2019d like to have gone to madagascar, i\u2019d like to go to the botanical gardens in lesotho. i\u2019d like to see the glass flowers in boston & i may yet. if we\u2019re going to skip seasons, let\u2019s have it be spring, 60\u00b0, perpetual like periwinkles. there\u2019s no reason it couldn\u2019t be like that here, now, you know? we wouldn\u2019t have to theorize about why. & the deer ticks would be gone. no one would know where they went, but the deer would still be around. there\u2019s a bear around near here; there must be confusion about hibernation.<\/p>\n

unconditional death is a good title because it\u2019s almost completely meaningless, yes? i wrapped the green tomatoes in newspaper, rolled up the lovage in wet paper towels, mailed peggy\u2019s postcard, didn\u2019t see the bear, emptied the skink, read rebecca solnit, said to the greens \u201cwould anybody like to go to gethsemane hill with me? i have to atone for my sins.\u201d thought about ball lightning, thought that it\u2019s friday & about the s&s brewery in nassau. when there\u2019s a frost, do the poison plants die?<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\n

after my parents died i was adopted by jeanne moreau & henry david thoreau, two assiniboine indians who taught me what really happened in history. it was good at last to know & speak my own language. when lewis\u2019s mother went to hunter high school, they made her take a class to get rid of her yiddish accent. who decides you shouldn\u2019t have one?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

i dreamt i was a pinnacle of coral.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

the thought of what america would be like if the classics had a wide circulation, the thought of what america blah blah, bitter america, it\u2019s the beginning of 70 degree days ending in rain, a lot of people would die of the virus quoting herodotus or maybe sappho, the greek anthology. americans are a bit anti-intellectual. even politicians don\u2019t quote poetry anymore, though obama was a reader.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

the idea that writing is easy comes from the frank o\u2019hara method. but it is in fact easy, especially if you don\u2019t try to say more than you are thinking, to say other than what you\u2019re thinking, for instance you might be trying to say what somebody else is thinking, like barthes or lacan. slowly does the middle tree turn yellow, always having been the most interesting fall tree, it is somewhat damaged with dead parts you can see from the field, it\u2019s the tree whose branch snapped off & hung there threatening our (covid) social life till when it fell. now threatening is cold weather, can\u2019t sit outdoors, our plan is to borrow a tent from grace, & in it use our mr. heater buddy, little buddy, maybe it will work<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

today\u2019s monday august 31, oh fuck, though the sun is out, it\u2019s foreboding, don\u2019t think about it, thinking about the future\u2019s outlawed esp. if you\u2019re 75 & human, we sat in the sun with alyssa & finally everyone, in the field before us a horse, a bit skittish, the kids took no notice, surprisingly, it was an odd sight to be sure.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

maybe it\u2019s just fear of the winter, this is a day supposed to be sunny but what is this white sky? seen some yellow & orange trees, the sky is white: western wildfires, we\u2019re having a drought.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n

so many leaves are falling,
\nit\u2019s exhausting<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

These entries are adapted from <\/em>Milkweed Smithereens<\/a>, which will be published by New Directions in November 2022. <\/em><\/p>\n

Bernadette Mayer was born in Brooklyn in 1945, and published her first book,<\/em>\u00a0Story,<\/em>\u00a0in 1968. From 1980 to 1984, she was the director of the St. Mark’s Poetry Project.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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