{"id":161559,"date":"2022-09-20T16:06:17","date_gmt":"2022-09-20T20:06:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=161559"},"modified":"2022-09-20T16:15:17","modified_gmt":"2022-09-20T20:15:17","slug":"has-henry-james-put-me-in-this-mood","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2022\/09\/20\/has-henry-james-put-me-in-this-mood\/","title":{"rendered":"Has Henry James Put Me in This Mood?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>

A collage by Dennis, reflecting her interest in how interior spaces relate to feminism. Made in 1971 in her loft on Grand Street. Courtesy of Donna Dennis.<\/p><\/div>\n

Ted Berrigan was the first in the circle of poets around the Poetry Project at Saint Mark’s Church to ask me to design an announcement mailer for one of his readings. He encouraged others to do the same. In the late sixties, I designed a number of flyers and covers for mimeographed poetry books. These gave me the first public exposure for my work.<\/em><\/p>\n

Ted and I saw one another off and on for about five years. In the spring of 1970, we lived together on Saint Mark’s Place in the East Village, until June, when Ted went to teach a course in Buffalo. I moved into the artists Rudy Burckhardt and Yvonne Jacquette\u2019s loft on East Fourteenth Street while they summered in Maine. Ted stayed with me for a number of weekends that summer, and he proposed that we undertake a collaborative book. As I remember, I began the collaboration by making drawings with empty word balloons. I\u2019m pretty sure Ted provided the project\u2019s title at the outset. Ted would take the drawings\u2014I think I made them in batches of four or five\u2014back to Buffalo, where he began to fill in the words. We went back and forth this way, sometimes in person, sometimes by mail. I had forgotten all about this collaboration by the time Ted Berrigan\u2019s youngest son, Eddie, contacted me in the summer of 2018. He wanted to bring me something his father and I had done together, which had recently turned up. As I looked at sixteen pages of my drawings and Ted\u2019s handwritten words, the memories came back. These diaries describe some of them, along with the artistic milieu I was in in New York at that time\u2014which included the painter Martha Diamond and the poets Bernadette Mayer, Michael Brownstein, Anne Waldman, and John Giorno.<\/em><\/p>\n

The summer of 1970 was a turbulent time in our relationship. Where would Ted be in the fall, and with whom? Could I live with someone and make my work in the same space? In September I moved out of Rudy and Yvonne\u2019s place and into a loft on Grand Street in Little Italy. One day, Ted came to pick something up while I was at work. I had left him a note saying that I couldn\u2019t go on with the relationship. He left a note in response, clearly upset. Separately, we each created one more drawing for our collaboration. I made an angry alternative version of the cover and Ted made an angry drawing for the end. Neither of us ever saw these private expressions of pain and disappointment until Eddie brought the long-ago collaboration to me in 2018. I had kept mine over the years, and now here was Ted\u2019s.<\/em><\/p>\n

In the end, Ted and I remained great friends. When I completed a new piece, he\u2019d often be the first to see it. His enthusiastic reactions and always interesting observations meant the world to me. When he died in 1983 at age forty-eight, I realized that he had been my mentor. One thing I learned from him was to always finish what I began. I learned that when I kept going, past the hope of creating anything good, I often had my breakthroughs.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 30, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Have been working hard<\/em> since Ted left. It was way past time. But I\u2019ve finally surfaced through despair and nausea and a two-day headache. I\u2019ve done one acceptable (for now) self-portrait in oils and today I did four or five India-ink drawings with word balloons for Ted to fill in. In both cases (oil-painting) and drawing (from photos) I\u2019ve surprised myself.<\/p>\n

It is such a relief to be working\u2014really working with my hands\u2014eyes\u2014head\u2014heart for hours at a time. Whatever else one can say for or against it, working on paper & canvas keeps you busy.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve so much work to do\u2014drawing, at last, is something I know I want to have\u2014and it will take work, many, many drawings\u2014gradually getting better with practice & thought and involvement. I feel almost as if I\u2019m waking up from some dream in which I sat waiting for works to happen like magic when the feeling was on me. Now I feel that I should do one drawing perhaps every day.<\/p>\n

Monday night I had a brief but nearly total depression. I thought if I couldn\u2019t begin work again and find satisfaction in it, there would be no reason nor shape<\/em> to my existence. To me.<\/p>\n

Ted is wonderful but being with him and not working was becoming a nightmare. I want him to be here next fall\u2014but if he is, there will be the challenge of finding the time and privacy to work and work hard. It will be absolutely necessary to meet that challenge and resolve it successfully or else I will have to live alone.<\/p>\n

I \u201cslipped\u201d on the phone today and let mother guess I was talking on my own telephone. I said, \u201cI just got it.\u201d She said, \u201cYou didn\u2019t tell us.\u201d I really don\u2019t care\u2014or can\u2019t afford to.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

May 31, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh, to have my only work be my art work. I\u2019ve just woken up at noon. I won\u2019t begin work yet for maybe several hours, but I\u2019ve promised myself to do four or five drawings today and already there is purpose and excitement to my day. Everything I do will be working up to doing that drawing.<\/p>\n

In the last two weeks I\u2019ve read The Town and the City<\/em> by Jack Kerouac, a really full and inspiring book. If I could get the \u201csweetness and sadness\u201d of life, all of it into my works as Kerouac does, I\u2019d feel my works were really worthwhile. I think I am coming to understand what Ted means about getting more than just flashes into your work\u2014about getting everything in. Aiming at only the great ecstatic moments is what put me in the position of waiting and waiting for the work to come. That is no way to work. I think maybe that is what I\u2019ve come to understand in the last week.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 9, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Rented a Polaroid today and took pictures of Jim Carroll\u2014to use on the cover I\u2019m designing for his book 4 Ups and 1 Down<\/em> (four love poems and one hate poem). I had fun with the Polaroid (I want to own<\/em> one) and I got one picture that I think will be good for the cover.<\/p>\n

I went down to Les Levine\u2019s this morning at 9:00 to see if he<\/em> had any good pictures of Jim (he didn\u2019t for my purposes & I woke Les up though we\u2019d had an appointment). Coming back in a cab, I saw a man dragging a big square piece of plywood across the street to plunk it down next to a big earthy hole he was digging in the street. The plywood looked as if it might cover the hole. I felt a vague excitement\u2014a stirring of memories about how exciting a hole with earth heaped beside it had been to me a few years ago\u2014I remembered digging for red clay\u2014digging into a hill, digging for Australia, digging \u2019til water came in, the danger of digging a deep hole and getting inside, etc.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Collage made as a proposed cover for \u201cMemorial Day,\u201d a long poem by Anne Waldman and Ted Berrigan. Courtesy of Donna Dennis.<\/p><\/div>\n


\nJune 10, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Had a great long talk with Martha about working, about boyfriends, about working with boyfriends around, etc.<\/p>\n

Then Ted called. Another great but briefer talk. He asked me if I wanted to come see him\u2014I said YES\u2014he said O.K. and maybe I can stay for awhile and we can see Niagara Falls and visit painters there and look out his 8th-story window at the Poussin-like landscape and there\u2019s a big desk where I can do great works.<\/p>\n

He says he\u2019s working on putting writings to the drawings I did\u2014might need more drawings. He wants his mail sent, says he\u2019s really getting into poetry, wants me to pick up some of the Sonnets for him\u2014and he\u2019ll be here a week from Friday\u2014about the time I get home from work.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 11, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Went to see Red Grooms\u2019s show Tappy Toes <\/em>at Tibor de Nagy today. It was violent, rich and exhilarating. I returned to work feeling cocky and giddy and inspired to get a bit of the Red Grooms\u2019s zaniness into my cover design for Jim Carroll\u2019s book. Especially appropriate because Jim and Devereaux happened to be at the show the same time I was. And on the street outside, I met Larry Fagin and Joan Inglis.<\/p>\n

As I\u2019ve been walking around the city lately, New York has been looking quite wonderful to me. I found a terrific street just below Gramercy Park today between 3rd Ave. & Irving Place that had all kinds of houses<\/em>. There was a Spanish one with a tiled roof and a beautiful tiled doorway below street level that looked wonderful, cool & inviting.<\/p>\n

And then there was a kind of Dutch one with a stepped roof.<\/p>\n

On Irving Place up just below Gramercy Park there was a doorway inside another doorway that was the richest, darkest, shiniest, classiest, most opulent doorway I\u2019ve ever seen. Wide and generous and exclusive with gas lamps mounted on either side.<\/p>\n

Along the west side of Gramercy Park, I found a row of New Orleans-style houses that looked cool and relaxed and southern with their white wrought iron porches and balconies. On one balcony someone had put a round wrought iron table and two chairs\u2014and a vase of flowers on the table. A big, shiny motorcycle leaned near the doorway of another house.<\/p>\n

Has Henry James put me in this mood? I was inspired to see New York through Red Grooms\u2019s eyes too, though it all seems quite \u201940ish & \u201950ish that way\u2014or maybe it\u2019s just that his New York is like the New York I saw in childhood Little Golden books. There was a wonderful interior of a taxi with a frame in the shape of the taxi sign.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 12, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

The cover for Jim Carroll\u2019s book 4 Ups and 1 Down<\/em> is finished. I\u2019m pretty happy with it. Jim striding through a black sky filled with whirling, flashing stars.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Dennis’s cover for Jim Carroll\u2019s 4 Ups and 1 Down<\/em>, published in 1970 by Angel Hair, a press run by Anne Waldman and Lewis Warsh. Courtesy of the Morgan Museum and Library.<\/p><\/div>\n


\nJune 19, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sitting here in Rudy and Yvonne\u2019s loft (airy, bright, late-afternoon feel) drinking wine, waiting for Ted who said he\u2019d be here soon.<\/p>\n

Still getting the feel of this place. I haven\u2019t had much time for contemplation yet. Monday, late, Lewis MacAdams and Tom Veitch helped me to move in here. Tuesday, I had Fran Williams and Bob Cobuzio and Martha here for Fran\u2019s birthday\u2014one day late. I gave Fran a fish poacher with a paper fish made by me inside\u2014stuffed with little candies. The dinner was not a great success because I wasn\u2019t used to shopping here or cooking in this kitchen. I thought of giving Fran keys for her birthday so that she could work here in one of the back rooms but I want very much to be by myself at least until I know what I want to do. (The workspace here is quite inspiring.)<\/p>\n

Last night I went to dinner at Larre\u2019s with just about everyone\u2014a kind of farewell for the summer. People there were:<\/p>\n

Ron & Pat Padgett<\/p>\n

George & Katie Schneeman<\/p>\n

Anne & Michael<\/p>\n

Clark Coolidge<\/p>\n

Tom Veitch (later)<\/p>\n

Gerard Malanga<\/p>\n

Tessie Mitchell<\/p>\n

Bill Berkson<\/p>\n

Carol & Dick Gallup<\/p>\n

Jim Carroll<\/p>\n

Joan & Larry<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I sat beside George & Larry & across from Ron. We ate at the long table in the garden under a tent but there was a terrible rainstorm and it was rather damp & funny.<\/p>\n

Later we went to George\u2019s where George did a giant nude portrait of everyone sitting in a corner. Larry took movies. I really wanted to be part of it all (it feels weird, too, to have your clothes on when no one else does) but I had to get home to get some sleep.<\/p>\n

Jim made a special point of telling me how much he liked the cover I did for his book 4 Ups and 1 Down.<\/em> Anne said it will be printed by Monday.<\/p>\n

The question now: What works?<\/p>\n

Since it\u2019s been bothering me for years\u2014should I take the time to acquire the traditional tools of the artist\u2014esp. drawing? Even if I don\u2019t use it, it might set me free for other things. Or is this desire to learn to draw just a basic insecurity that I should overcome by pure guts?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 23, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Got a $25 refund from the government today (miscalculation on my part) so I paid some bills and my debt is down to $800 (not counting what I owe Daddy for the loft security deposit).<\/p>\n

Ron and Pat and Wayne Padgett came over to bring me plants I will keep for them this summer.<\/p>\n

I did four drawings tonight for Ted\u2019s collaboration. They\u2019re a little looser & I hope more interesting because I know they\u2019ll be used.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

June 25, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Just woke up from an after-work nap. I\u2019m going to try that for a while and see if that\u2019s a good way to get into work. I wake every morning to the new day and all the bright light in this place\u2014 so excited and at peace and full of the new day. But gradually as I have to leave and go uptown and the day wears on, the good feeling drains away and when I get back here, it\u2019s hard to feel great about going to work. So the new plan is to take a nap. Then wake up and work. There isn\u2019t the morning light but there is the waking up and beginning again.<\/p>\n

I went to Andy Warhol\u2019s (the Factory) today to get Andy\u2019s new flower print for Ted and from Gerard Malanga three prints each for Ted and me of self-portraits (photo-silkscreen) Gerard did for his new Black Sparrow book. Andy rode up in the elevator with me, and we talked about the weather. \u201cIt\u2019s really getting hot<\/em>!\u201d said Andy. \u201cI know, and very heavy,\u201d I said. Then I remarked on the mirror at the end of the hall, and he said, \u201cI don\u2019t know why they put that in. When they raised the rent, they put in that mirror but they didn\u2019t put in other things that we needed more.\u201d<\/p>\n

The print Andy gave Ted is very beautiful lavender and yellow green and fuschia and chrome yellow with a wonderful violent green darkening around the fuschia flowers\u2019 edges.<\/p>\n

Rudy and Yvonne called last night to see how things were and asked me to send some film up to them. Yvonne practically insisted I come up to see them in Maine. We talked about how much work we were getting done. I had a great feeling that I have some obligation to Yvonne and Rudy to make good use of their place. To get some good work done to show them what a wonderful thing they have done for me in letting me use their place this summer.<\/p>\n

I have the Warhol print up now. It certainly is totally inspiring.<\/p>\n

Thinking of doing a new (and color) version of my star print\u2014using the variety of stars I used in Jim\u2019s cover\u2014I remembered my idea about white flowers bursting in the night sky. Bursting, blooming. I could do a combination of drawn flowers, engraved flowers, photographed flowers\u2014in different colors, etc.<\/p>\n

Maybe there could be a nude in it. \u2014Nude in the Garden. Look up some N. Renaissance things!<\/p>\n

I\u2019M GOING TO FLOWER. Blossom out.<\/p>\n

Plant works. Growing things works.<\/p>\n

Everything humming, spinning, filigree, fine, like things were when I was on acid and it was SPRING. And I had POWER. I am in command!<\/p>\n

It has just occurred to me that the way things looked to me on acid was a bit like Van Gogh\u2014(though not so brutal). Even Ted\u2019s face when I wasn\u2019t on top of it (the acid)\u2014looked greenish and moving (physically) when I looked at him\u2014like Van Gogh\u2019s green-faced self-portrait.<\/p>\n

I think, too, of Matisse\u2019s The Green Line<\/em>. Portrait of Mme. Matisse.<\/p>\n

Wow! Feeling better and better\u2014I know what I\u2019m going to do\u2014my LSD trip turned my visual experience up a key\u2014and I\u2019m going to do it (my work) with much more force, pizzazz, and COLOR.<\/p>\n

As with Jim Carroll\u2019s cover. I did my usual thing (or another version of the star lady) and then I realized I wanted to pull out all the stops\u2014turn it tighter and brighter and I knew how<\/em> and I did<\/em>.<\/p>\n

A kind of new sense of motion<\/em>. Not things just moving as units but every molecule, particle in each unit spinning and spinning and giving off sparks to make the whole thing incredibly larger than life (as large as life) and there<\/em> (here) and aggressively, evilly, dazzlingly beautiful.<\/p>\n

WOW. I would like also to do this flower, star work I\u2019m thinking of large<\/em> to take in a whole eye-span. What sort of a surface\u2014what sort of a shape<\/em> should I give that surface. JESUS. I know what I want to do for the first time in years.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Photograph of Dennis jumping, taken by Martha Diamond in Rudy Burckhardt and Yvonne Jacquette\u2019s studio, where Dennis spent the summer of 1970. Dennis planned to use this series of photos for her \u201cjumping lady print.” Courtesy of Donna Dennis.<\/p><\/div>\n


\nJune 27, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Martha just came over to take pictures of me jumping, nude, for the large print I want to make. She told me that Tandy Brodey heard from Jane DeLynn that Alice Notley is in Buffalo. Gossip<\/em>. But I know it\u2019s true. Somehow, though, I\u2019ve just shed a few angry tears and feel some despair about what I can expect in the future. The future. I can\u2019t feel too angry at Ted as I sit down to write about it.<\/p>\n

(Edwin Denby just called and he is taking me out for dinner. Isn\u2019t that great\u2014and when I was feeling so low.)<\/p>\n

This morning, when Ted called, asking me to wire $25, he said, \u201cMaybe I\u2019ll come down next weekend\u2014since you can\u2019t come here.\u201d (Now I know why I can\u2019t come there<\/em>.)<\/p>\n

Still, Ted does seem to be trying to balance things out, to make amends to me. When he was here, he said, \u201cIt was great; I wish I could come down here every weekend.\u201d And he did<\/em> come.<\/p>\n

And then he called this morning and asked me to send him some money. (I wish I could understand how a man could love two women!) Is it time for me to be more aggressive? At least more aggressively me. I\u2019m going to turn up all my dials the way I did with the Jim Carroll cover.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 1, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

New York\u2019s new abortion law went into effect today.<\/p>\n

Last night, I felt pretty down and lost after work, though I cheered myself with a resolution to go to Martha\u2019s as soon as it grew dark enough to print up the photos for my new super-great silkscreen print. Then Phoebe and Lewis MacAdams called to say they would come by and get me for the Museum opening. As we turned onto 53rd Street, Phoebe told me how terribly moved she\u2019d been by my jumping lady print at Martha\u2019s. And I said, Wow, it\u2019s really great to hear someone say that, it really makes me feel good, because Ted doesn\u2019t like my work, thinks it\u2019s too slick or something\u2014and Lewis said that\u2019s not true. He told me he did like your work\u2014but that you didn\u2019t feel so good about it. TERRIFIC UP #1.<\/p>\n

Then we went inside the Museum, past my little friend the Russian guard (he must have been rather handsome in younger, svelter days). Right away we saw people we knew. Bernadette, Michael, Brigid Polk, John Giorno. There were drinks, great loud \u201cjukebox\u201d music and the garden looked beautiful. Glamorous NYC. We drifted about and Lewis was friendly and confidential, asking me how Phoebe seemed, telling me how his father arrived at a reading he gave last year with two limousines.<\/p>\n

I had a friendly, easy chat with John Giorno, then Phoebe began to tell me how much the jumping lady print had impressed her. \u201cI\u2019m a little bit pregnant and pregnant women feel things in a very strong and hard way and that print made me want to cry. It was so beautiful. It\u2019s so true<\/em>,\u201d she said, \u201cand I\u2019ve been dealing with shadows a lot lately.\u201d WOW, I thought. This is what I make art works for and I told her I\u2019ve been moved to tears by other people\u2019s work and I\u2019ve always wanted to make works that would move other people to tears. And then she started talking to me about Ted. \u201cListen,\u201d she said, \u201cIf you are going to be Ted Berrigan\u2019s girlfriend you\u2019ve got to be STRONG,\u201d and I said, \u201cI know.\u201d Actually I didn\u2019t get, or remember, all she was saying\u2014but the gist of it was\u2014you\u2019re great, you\u2019re strong, you\u2019re beautiful\u2014know it and be<\/em> it all the time. We hugged and grinned. TERRIFIC UP #2.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 14, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been in this loft almost a month now\u2014but I do feel I\u2019ve accomplished things, especially if I finish up this print tonight.<\/p>\n

Feeling a little fuzzy in the head from lack of sleep and lack of food. Wow. Am I running on adrenalin now. Losing weight too, which is nice.<\/p>\n

What I like is that I\u2019ve called on my strength and force and power and optimism and they\u2019re there and serving me beautifully. I feel exciting, strong, bold, daring, ready to take on anything and succeed.<\/p>\n

One thing I remembered today that gave me greater courage \u2026 When Lee Crabtree was over, last spring, just the evening Ted came back from R.I., the time everything was so great and he\u2019d told his mother about me, Lee analyzed my handwriting and said\u2014you\u2019re not as aggressive as it is in your nature to be. And Ted said, \u201cPretty good, Lee.\u201d And then I felt happily aggressive and Ted and I had one of our most terrific love-makings ever. The point of remembering this is\u2014It is<\/em> in my nature to be more aggressive\u2014so I can be plenty\u2014and Ted probably wished I would be more aggressive more of the time. The chances are he\u2019ll be very happy to find the new Donna.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

July 26, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

What I did today. Woke up. Thought about Ted. Felt O.K. Felt pretty good, even. Had breakfast. Put together Ted\u2019s hi-fi. Listened to Ted on John Giorno\u2019s pornographic poem. It was great that he laughed on it just a little.<\/p>\n

Went for a walk along Eighth Street to buy this notebook. Incredibly hot. Came back here. Called Tom Veitch. He can\u2019t come over tonight. He\u2019ll call tomorrow. Read the Sunday paper. Cried some. Started writing in here. Ate a few eggs.<\/p>\n

Now I\u2019m listening to the new Bob Dylan album I bought today with my Mastercharge. Dylan is singing \u201cIn the Early Morning Rain.\u201d Wow. Ted\u2019s song.<\/p>\n

I have a sense today I\u2019m listening to music with a new depth, really hearing, not being afraid of any human emotion. Older, wiser, mellower, more understanding. In the past week I\u2019ve felt I really have come to understand what Ted was trying to tell me last year. That art is all about your feelings\u2014not just the great ecstatic moments\u2014all your life and feelings have value. I thought this as Ted lay in my bed and I was not happy and he was not happy but it was real life\u2014<\/em>my life. What I mean to say is\u2014I think I\u2019m ready to make great mature real works in a steady strong way\u2014no longer the high thin ecstatic dreaming way of working that worked so rarely. Now it\u2019s everything.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 16, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Sitting cross-legged on my orange bed in my new white loft with high black ceiling on Grand Street. Sounds of San Gennaro festival clean-up outside. It\u2019s 1:30 A.M.<\/small>, but I\u2019m trying not to notice I\u2019m tired for I must learn to stay up working \u2019til 2 or 3 every morning now. Ted calls me a lazy-ass and he\u2019s right. I want it soft, he says. Yes, I\u2019ve been complaining a lot. About having a job. About having no heroes. About not being taught how to draw. But those are excuses<\/em> and if I accept them as obstacles to my work and therefore fail to work, well I\u2019ll<\/em> just lose that\u2019s all. What I want is to make great works. I\u2019m an artist. Ted says an artist never lets money come between him and his art. For the time being I need a good deal of money so I need a job so, though I\u2019ve just lost my job with the Paul Bacon Studio, I\u2019m looking for a job. A job takes time, but it can\u2019t become an excuse for not being a working, producing artist. If I need more time, I take it from sleep-time, social-time, etc. That\u2019s all.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Courtesy of Donna Dennis.<\/p><\/div>\n


\nSeptember 20, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Just back from a wonderful evening with Yvonne and Rudy. Still cringing a bit at how awkward I am saying goodnight to people but excuse myself this time since I was dazed from seeing Satyricon. <\/em>Wow. I\u2019m completely wiped out. Guess I liked it.<\/p>\n

Yvonne served a good dinner, we talked about parents (Yvonne\u2019s father threw Rudy out of the house), Rudy\u2019s in-progress movie about drugs, looked at Yvonne and Rudy\u2019s summer paintings. Both very<\/em> nice. Yvonne all sky and clouds. (A terrific sky through barn window.) Rudy all deep quiet forest. Yvonne gave me a photo of a study of her fluorescent light painting in exchange for a horizon-change print by me.<\/p>\n

Did four drawings today which I don\u2019t dislike. All very different. Yvonne said Ted said of me, \u201cShe\u2019s so good at small things I don\u2019t see why she has to do anything big.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

September 28, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Started a new job today at Grolier. It will be O.K. I think, but will perhaps push me more toward my own work.<\/p>\n

Mailed a letter off to Ted. The envelope looked terrific with stickers and stamps and little drawings. I\u2019m quite proud of it and feel it\u2019s a good work. I should be more generous and send more letters and drawings to more people. Everything I do can be an artwork.<\/p>\n

A kitty is watching the pen as I write this. I got two little gray kitties last Friday. They\u2019re completely sweet and scary. I\u2019m not sure how I feel about having them here. I\u2019m waiting for names to come. One has blue eyes. The other looks constantly worried.<\/p>\n

Saw the Picabia show at the Guggenheim. I want to go back.<\/p>\n

Larry Rivers\u2019s \u201cnon-intellectual\u201d approach interests me\u2014his early career. The way he went about being an artist. \u201cEvery time I become interested in my own contemporaries, I feel that I am becoming unsure of my own direction.\u201d<\/p>\n

What I<\/em> have to do is to come to trust myself\u2014all<\/em> of me and<\/em> my intuition again.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 4, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Took my jacket sketch for Brainstorms<\/em> to Bobbs-Merrill today. I<\/em> think it\u2019s a little slick and commercial. They loved it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll also be doing the whole inside design, etc., as well as illustrating it with drawings. Michael said he thought the drawings I did for Spirit in the Sky<\/em> were terrific.<\/p>\n

Anne asked me to do the cover of the second World Anthology. I\u2019ll photograph the audience at Wednesday\u2019s reading (with luck). George\u2019s nice design was rejected. I feel a bit like the compromising hack in this one but then it was me or some outside designer, so I guess it\u2019s O.K. And I\u2019ll try to make the most I can of the opportunity for the sake of the Saint Mark\u2019s Poetry Project. Documentary\u2014personal approach.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

In 1970, Donna Dennis and Ted Berrigan created the book The Spirit in the Sky<\/em>, which was never published. Courtesy of Donna Dennis.<\/p><\/div>\n


\nOctober 7, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ted was at the reading tonight. Back from Europe I don\u2019t know when. When I came in he had his arm around Bernadette Mayer. So what? But still \u2026.. He was back and he hadn\u2019t seen me. I was taking pictures for the World Anthology cover so I was walking all around. Passed him. Smiled. Knelt down, told him what I was doing\u2014taking pictures. He rubbed my back and asked me to take pictures of him and Lewis Warsh. They read a collaboration written at Rudy\u2019s this summer where he refers to me as half his vital organ. He left early. So did Alice.<\/p>\n

I put on a brave front and everyone was friendly to me and now I\u2019m home crying. Why can\u2019t Ted play it straight?<\/p>\n

Still, I enjoyed at the reading tonight being my own person and not somebody\u2019s girlfriend.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

October 19, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

I\u2019m thinking to write, wow a dying love doesn\u2019t go without an incredible struggle. Well there, I wrote it.<\/p>\n

So what happened today? Well, I went to John Giorno\u2019s party at the Gotham Book Mart and Ted comes in with a present for me\u2014One Hundred Years of Solitude<\/em> (!\u2014why that!) by Gabriel Garc\u00eda M\u00e1rquez and Scenes Along the Road<\/em>, photos of Kerouac, Ginsberg, Orlovsky, etc. Said he was sick on my birthday and had no phone. Said he wanted to come by later to pick up his Jim Dine work. O.K. I nodded. He imitated me and said, \u201cWow, Donna, you\u2019re so tough. It scares me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Anyway, an evening of working on Michael\u2019s drawings shot and he never came by anyway, goddammit. I can\u2019t let that happen again. These drawings must be good and they must be done! Maybe I take the phone off the hook tomorrow. To feel free of Ted might feel great<\/em>!<\/p>\n

And horrible.<\/p>\n

Next Monday I sit for Alex Katz. I feel so much more that I have a community now. Everyone\u2019s being great and things keep happening.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

December 11\u201312, 1970<\/strong><\/p>\n

I am in one of the great, opening up, gaining ground times of my life. Comparable to my freshman year in college. Hard, painful, scary, exciting and so full of hope and faith. I\u2019m learning to know myself all over again, better than I ever have. I\u2019m coming to terms with myself in a way that can open up the future to be what I want it to be. Anne wrote in the book she gave me the other night, \u201dMay all your wishes come true!\u201d They may! The way is opening up for that to happen. And there is less and less reason, with every new day, for me not to go where I want to go, do what I want to do. I\u2019m learning again to trust my hunches and my intuition. I knew about all I\u2019m learning now, but I didn\u2019t really understand it. I only knew what I wanted and what I feared. But not why. Now I\u2019m gaining clarity every day.<\/p>\n

What I am coming to understand is what it is to be a woman in this world. What it is now and what it can be and why.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m learning how women are their own worst enemy because they learn not to believe in their powers. Power is what I\u2019m beginning to feel. I’m reading Betty Freidan\u2019s [sic]\u00a0The Feminine Mystique. <\/em>It\u2019s changing my life (or shaping that change) at a time when I am open and free to change in a major way. To GROW.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

February 14, 1971<\/strong><\/p>\n

Lucy Lippard came to see my works today. Yvonne Burckhardt had recommended my work to her very highly, for an all-woman show at the Larry Aldrich Museum.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not sure what she thought. She stood too close, I thought, and looked at each piece for a long time. Especially the one with mirrors slanted in. She said she thought the one with lightning and lights worked very nicely. I was sorry she could not see them at night. They really look 100 percent better then. I\u2019m beginning to be sorry that I didn\u2019t buy window shades that really block out the light.<\/p>\n

Martha and Denise Green and I went to the Women\u2019s Liberation Center to attend a meeting on How to Start a Consciousness-Raising Group. There was not much real information given out and a lot of random discussion but I\u2019m very excited at the idea of forming a group.<\/p>\n

Lucy Lippard also holds some kind of artist\u2019s group and is also compiling a file of women artists.<\/p>\n

This all seems terrific to me. Here finally is a chance to meet and discuss with other artists, find out about opportunities for exhibition, etc.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Courtesy of Donna Dennis.<\/p><\/div>\n


\nFebruary 20, 1971 (early A.M.<\/small>)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Yvonne and I have talked of interior spaces<\/em> in the art of women (her term). I\u2019m rethinking my works and everyone else\u2019s. I have<\/em> been continually interested in interior spaces<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Interior space has nothing to do with Renaissance space which was made by men\u2014and which was made so that there was a place to put the people. Yvonne sees interior space<\/em> as being empty and so do I. That is why, of course, I did not want my mirrors to be big enough to reflect anyone, or anything<\/em>, except perhaps a floor or ceiling, which showed more emptiness. I\u2019m fascinated by an empty storefront on 3rd Avenue. All the interior surfaces of the display case are mirror<\/em> surfaces.<\/p>\n

I’m becoming very sensitive to older buildings. Their vulnerability. Like Atget. I want to take photographs and record their existence and their last days. They are very beautiful and very sad. I like Walker Evans front-on approach to buildings. That is my natural approach too, but without seeing him I might not have dared.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Donna Dennis is a sculptor known for her large-scale installations and public art inspired by American vernacular architecture. Her work has been the subject of solo exhibitions at the Brooklyn Museum, the Neuberger Museum of Art, and SculptureCenter, among other institutions. <\/em><\/p>\n

Excerpts from Donna’s journals from 1968 to 1982, which have been coedited with Nicole Miller, will be published by Bamberger Books in late 2023; a monograph of her work is forthcoming from the Monacelli Press in March 2023.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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