{"id":139894,"date":"2019-10-02T09:00:25","date_gmt":"2019-10-02T13:00:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=139894"},"modified":"2019-10-02T18:52:31","modified_gmt":"2019-10-02T22:52:31","slug":"memoirs-of-a-queer-revolutionary","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2019\/10\/02\/memoirs-of-a-queer-revolutionary\/","title":{"rendered":"Memoirs of a Queer Revolutionary"},"content":{"rendered":"

Like many other queer writers and activists of his generation, Lou Sullivan lived a painfully short life: he died in 1991, at the age of thirty-nine, from complications related to AIDS<\/small>. But he left behind a wealth of material, thirty years of diaries chronicling, in joyous detail, his emerging sense of self, his relationships, and his daily triumphs. As arguably the first publicly gay trans man to medically transition, Sullivan found himself walking a path few had previously trodden. Without models for how to live, he found his own way, refusing to compromise his identity, working tirelessly to help others, and all the while keeping careful note of his day-to-day. Sullivan never realized his dream of publishing his diaries, but <\/i>We Both Laughed in Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan, 1961\u20131991<\/a>, published last month by Nightboat Books, finally brings Sullivan\u2019s writing to a wider audience. An excerpt appears below.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Image from the Louis Graydon Sullivan papers, courtesy of the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Historical Society.<\/p><\/div>\n

Yesterday T + I rode our bikes through GG Park, he was leading me through hidden path + trails. Found a secluded spot + laid in the grass. Told me he wished he could introduce me to his family + be open with them about us, but he knew he never could, that he has always strived to be what they expected him to be, especially his ma. He said he felt that way even if I were a normal man + we were together, so I don\u2019t feel too bad.<\/p>\n

Then he asks me if I have any problems with our relationship + I said yes: I wish he\u2019d turn off the iron by the switch instead of just pulling out the cord (telling him in that way how content I am). He pressed me further + then said I never tell him how I feel about him! I couldn\u2019t believe it, and so tried my best to express to him how much he means to me. <\/p>\n

He said he wanted to read my diary because it will tell him how I feel about him.<\/p>\n

We ended up having loving sex there in the grass, each masturbating the other to orgasm.<\/p>\n

He says he can see I\u2019m holding back sometimes + I admitted it\u2014of course I am, when he continues to tell me he wants a different relationship, one with a woman (because he feels he SHOULD, not that he wants it).<\/p>\n

He gave me a transistor radio for my birthday so I could listen to it at night like I used to on Bluemound Rd. He also took a self-portrait for me + developed one of the photos he took of me on the roof of Seventeenth Street when we first knew each other.<\/p>\n

J phoned me for my birthday, telling me he finally got a job in Japan, something he\u2019s dreamed of for several years. He\u2019s leaving the end of the month to teach English to Japanese businessmen + housewives. I am happy for him, but feel a little melancholic.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

This gay woman at work told me this \u201cterrible\u201d thing some man said to her in a store: he mumbled that she \u201cmust be a boy.\u201d She was shocked ! (I mentioned that someone had called me \u201cher\u201d the other day in a store + this gay woman just dismissed it, \u201cOh, YOU don\u2019t look like a GIRL.\u201d)<\/p>\n

She continued, \u201cWell, this<\/em> is going in my book! All of these things!\u201d<\/p>\n

It amazes me how people think they have such unusual experiences, such exciting lives, when I can\u2019t feel that same way about my life. And I remember Elizabeth Farley, who had lived as a woman for thirty-three years without ever seeking medical help, and I thought \u201cWhat an exciting life!\u201d yet she couldn\u2019t understand why anyone would want to interview her because she hadn\u2019t done anything special in her life.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

He went to have a drink with the gay black man who lives upstairs, who said he\u2019d sell his motorcycle for super cheap to T. T showers and puts on his thin cotton trousers\u2014shirtless, a towel over his shoulder, his hand absently stroking his chest, he steps outside into the sunny backyard + beckons to him through the window, asking to see the motorcycle\u2014<\/p>\n

smiling beautifully
\nhis chest and arms
\nsmooth as marble
\nand as well shaped<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

*<\/p>\n

He was complaining as we were having sex that my whiskers were \u201crubbing\u201d him and he hates that. I asked, \u201cWhat\u2019s the big deal? Yours rub me, too.\u201d He said \u201cI don\u2019t like having sex with men.\u201d<\/p>\n

I answered, \u201cYou\u2019re not have sex with \u2018MEN\u2019, you\u2019re having sex with me<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

He sank back into my arms with kisses.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

I\u2019m so angry at J because he forced me to so distort my image of love\u2014<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

We all went to the Gay Pride Parade. T\u2019s first time, because he\u2019d always heard there was so much violence at them, so he stayed away (obviously getting the macho Mission District viewpoint before). This was my seventh parade, and I watched it thinking of all the others I\u2019d been to, and how this was the first one I attended with my lover. T stood close to me and I stroked his fragrant hair. Remembering how I\u2019d watched all the other parades alone, wondering where among them all I\u2019d ever find someone to love me, feeling so alone and sorry for myself. And here he is, smiling at me, loving me.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

J told me it had really pissed him off that I had such a great story (about myself) that would sell even if it weren\u2019t well-written, but that he believes now, if I wait a while longer, I WILL have a worthwhile story to tell.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Monday we worked in the yard + got T\u2019s graphic-arts camera into the garage. Slept by the fireplace so we could watch the total eclipse of the moon out the window. (T said, \u201cDress me up in drag.\u201d So I did as good as I could\u2014his idea of sexy drag isn\u2019t the same as mine, so we did it his way\u2014and he wasn\u2019t even getting hard, but I was getting excited to be able to be the aggressive one + I worked my cock against his hole + did what I was able to, as a man.)<\/p>\n

I\u2019m beginning to think my scars aren\u2019t going to fade. They\u2019re still pretty wide + red. Two years later. Shit.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

We laid on the couch kissing + he asked if I were being male or female at that moment. I thought a second + said, \u201cNeither\u2014I\u2019m just being me,\u201d but thinking \u201cmostly female\u201d because I was melting in his arms.<\/p>\n

He answered, \u201cBecause if you think you\u2019re being female right now, then you have something to work out with yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

He challenged me to an arm wrestling match + I took him on. Our arms weren\u2019t balanced squarely on the table and the table tipped and stuff slid off as I allowed him to bring my arms down to stop the sliding. I protested angrily that he was using the table + rearranged it so we were balanced, and while I couldn\u2019t down him, he couldn\u2019t down me either. I said, \u201cI know I can\u2019t beat you, but I\u2019ll give you one helluva struggle.\u201d<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Just told this gossipy old woman, a secretary at ARCO (with whom I go to lunch sometimes) that I\u2019m gay. She asked me (because she\u2019d read somewhere) if gay men wanted to be sex changes, and if I wished I were a women!!! I laughed + said, \u201cNot at all!\u201d and told her that sexual preferences + gender identity were two different phenomena, + that if a man was attracted to other men + wanted a sex change to be a woman, he would be defined as a heterosexual person (someone who wants a body of the opposite sex from their lover\u2019s), not as a gay person.<\/p>\n

I also told her if she ever had questions about gays, I wasn\u2019t shy to discuss anything. She asked me very seriously, \u201cHow is everything going for you?\u201d I answered, \u201cAt this point in my life, I\u2019m happier than I\u2019ve ever been.\u201d<\/p>\n

She said it really brought tears to her eyes when she read about these people who are men but have the feelings inside of a woman, and \u201cDon\u2019t you think that must be a horrible thing?\u201d I said \u201cYes!\u201d I told her how I\u2019d met Elizabeth Farley + her story as a man living as a woman + how that really opened my eyes to that sort of thing. I tried to educate as much as possible without identifying too strongly with the sentiments. What a predicament! How well I handled it!!!<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

T took a spectacular picture of me. My face has gone through such a change. When I first started the hormones, my face looked like it got squarer, my cheeks puffed out some. Now my face is more angular\u2014so much more handsome. I\u2019m an incredibly good-looking guy, I think, sometimes (but not always). Mostly I need to lift weights + muscularize my chest\u2014it\u2019s still so sunken in.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Late last night I got a call from a F\u2192M in So Calif + we talked a while. T overheard the conversation while in my bed + when I returned, suddenly out of nowhere he started this crap again about it\u2019s too weird for him to be with me + he thinks he should see a psychiatrist because he\u2019s having dreams of being naked + freaking out. I don\u2019t know where this all came from! I said I thought that was an insult to me, and if he thinks he needs to see a psychiatrist, then maybe he should, because there\u2019s no shame in that.<\/p>\n

Just pissed me off. He hasn\u2019t come up with that<\/em> rap in a long time. So this morn I resolved not to let it bother me all day like before. I know he\u2019s probably already forgotten about it\u2014it\u2019s not ruining HIS day. I resolved to change my thinking: every time I thought of what he said, I\u2019d change my thoughts to contemplating how much better I<\/em> feel in comparison to before\u2014with my job, my coworkers, my neighbors, my friends, my family. THAT was why I changed\u2026not to please a lover. I must remember that he\u2019d be giving me this same rap were I a normal gay man, because even THAT is \u201ctoo weird\u201d for him.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

I said I\u2019m tired of being different than anyone else in the world, of knowing that no one is like me, and I\u2019m going to relish these moments of living easy, of responding to everyday occurrences in a correct manner, without thought, without reflection (as simple as not knowing what to do with my hands when I stood there, as complicated as not feeling I was inside my body when having sex with someone) and the constant realization that my thoughts are of my responses as a young man.<\/p>\n

I said I was thinking all day how my relationships with all these people in my life would be so different were I still female, of my boss, of the people I work with everyday, of Dan + Cuca\u2026I would never have made friends with them (\u201cWhy?\u201d T asks, \u201cBecause I\u2019d have to be \u2018girlfriends\u2019 with Cuca + Dan wouldn\u2019t talk to me the same way he does. I wouldn\u2019t value their friendship under those conditions; I wouldn\u2019t be comfortable\u201d), and that for the first time in my life I feel a part of the brotherhood of man.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy,\u201d he asks me (I couldn\u2019t understand why) \u201cdo you want to continue giving yourself those SHOTS?\u201d \u201cBecause they are what brought me into humankind.\u201d<\/p>\n

He told me he loves me just the way I am, that he wouldn\u2019t want me to change. I said, \u201cThink of us going into a bar with all men in it, and how that would feel. Then think of us going down the street into a bar with all women in it. How would that be different in there? That\u2019s how I<\/em> feel different.\u201d I wished I could have put on a tape recorder. Our conversation was so beautiful. I tried so hard to remember each important word.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Louis Graydon Sullivan (1951\u20131991) was a writer, activist, typesetter, trans historian, and queer revolutionary.<\/em><\/p>\n

From <\/em>We Both Laughed in Pleasure: The Selected Diaries of Lou Sullivan, 1961\u20131991<\/a>, published by Nightboat Books. Lou Sullivan\u2019s diaries, Louis Graydon Sullivan papers (1991-07). Courtesy of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Historical Society.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The diaries of Lou Sullivan present the extraordinary life of one of the first publicly gay trans men to medically transition.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1848,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4393],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-139894","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-first-person"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nMemoirs of a Queer Revolutionary by Lou Sullivan<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The diaries of Lou Sullivan present the extraordinary life of one of the first publicly gay trans men to medically transition.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2019\/10\/02\/memoirs-of-a-queer-revolutionary\/\" \/>\n<meta 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