{"id":129895,"date":"2018-10-10T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2018-10-10T17:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=129895"},"modified":"2018-10-09T09:50:10","modified_gmt":"2018-10-09T13:50:10","slug":"time-warps-are-real-and-what-you-should-do-about-it","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2018\/10\/10\/time-warps-are-real-and-what-you-should-do-about-it\/","title":{"rendered":"Time Warps Are Real and What You Should Do About It"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>

Original illustration by Jason Novak<\/p><\/div>\n

All of us have been thinking about this kind of thing for years, here at the Department of Ordinary Magic. We are very, very interested in supernatural phenomena that are entirely natural and that everyone ignores.<\/span><\/p>\n

Take magnets. If they didn\u2019t really exist, they would surely exist anyhow in the imagination. They are exactly the kind of thing some kid would make up. The magical force is strong, invisible, and it only works under certain circumstances. For example, you cannot use a magnet on wood. Superman can\u2019t see through lead, and magnets don\u2019t work on wood.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are many things like this. Telepathy, for instance. That shit exists. Everyone knows this and uses it all day long. It\u2019s just not like in the movies. I can\u2019t simply close my eyes and know what any random person is thinking. But all day long, people know what\u00a0I\u2019m<\/i>\u00a0thinking, just by glancing at my face and posture. Half the time, they know my thinking better than I do myself! They can \u201csee right through me.\u201d However, they don\u2019t have the last laugh, \u2019cuz I can see right through them just as well, if not better. It just doesn\u2019t work on wood.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Magical spells. How do people not know this exists? You wanna be on somebody\u2019s mind, you wanna wreck their day, you wanna make their life worth living, you want \u2019em to\u00a0serve<\/i>\u00a0you\u2014? You just say some magical words and it\u2019s just exactly as if you sent Puck to sprinkle spacejuice on their eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

Language, radio, photographs, television \u2026 glass,\u00a0buoyancy<\/i>, the fact that wood\u00a0can be carved\u00a0<\/i>\u2026 all these things are magic, if you just think about it for a second.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

And finally: time warps. Everybody knows these exist; people just take the phenomenon for granted, like with everything else. Five minutes is not five minutes. An hour is not an hour, nor a day, a day. And years \u2026? C\u2019mon.<\/span><\/p>\n

Look, every single person knows that a great deal depends on what\u2019s\u00a0happening<\/i>\u00a0during a given time period. There are activities that will make three hours\u00a0seem<\/i>\u00a0like forty minutes, and vice versa. There are also things\u2014notably sex\u2014that can cause time to simply go away altogether. You can\u2019t tell how much time has passed; you have to figure it out, from external evidence. \u201cIt can\u2019t have been hours, because the light in the room would have changed\u201d\u2014that kind of thing. You\u2019re basically trying to reckon how much time has passed\u00a0for everybody else<\/i>. For you, it was zero.<\/span><\/p>\n

Again, it\u2019s not like in the movies. There\u2019s nothing you can do to make Monday not come\u00a0at all<\/i>\u2014but you can delay it like crazy. This is one of the secret reasons for all our procrastination techniques. We gravitate toward practices that will \u201cextend our deadline\u201d simply by making the time between now and then pass more slowly.<\/span><\/p>\n

For literary people, one of the most important uses for time warps relates to reading. What if you\u2019re in a Ph.D. program and it\u2019s your orals year. You have a year to read eighty to a hundred books, and you\u2019re supposed to know \u2019em well by the time you\u2019re sitting there with your examining druids on test day. So you\u2019re gonna need to read eight hours a day, every day, all year. If you play your cards right, you can make that year go by in a month. You gotta eliminate all soporifics and all fatigue factors. Sit upright at desk, book in a bookholder so you don\u2019t have to touch it except to turn the pages. Time how many pages you get through in an hour so you can calculate how many\u00a0clock<\/i>\u00a0hours it\u2019ll cost you to finish. It\u2019s good to know; cuts down on fatigue. Then you can have the satisfaction of watching those clock hours seem like a joke. \u201cI been reading eight hours? Seems like I been sitting here maybe ninety minutes \u2026 \u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The existence of time warps also helps explain why we\u2019re so reluctant to do certain things, such as washing dishes. Washing dishes doesn\u2019t take anywhere remotely as long as it seems. There\u2019s gonna be that time warp, and it throws off our intuitions. The way around this is to\u00a0pit two different time warps<\/i>\u00a0against each other<\/i>. Put water on to boil, for some pasta, and then use the wait time to wash some dishes. Ha ha: lo and behold, you\u2019re almost done with the dishes by the time the water\u2019s churning. It\u2019s like you\u2019re taking the whole universe and flipping it on its back. Take that, space-time continuum.<\/span><\/p>\n

In conclusion, I want to remind my fellow time travelers that life is not actually short, nor is it long. The trick is not to \u201cbecome one\u201d with clock time and inhabit every given moment equally but rather to milk the good stuff for all it\u2019s worth, and zip through the evil parts. Just make sure you don\u2019t zip so fast that you don\u2019t learn anything.<\/span><\/p>\n

Take care of yourselves.<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Anthony Madrid lives in Victoria, Texas. His second book is\u00a0<\/em>Try Never<\/a>. He is a correspondent for the\u00a0<\/em>Daily.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

All of us have been thinking about this kind of thing for years, here at the Department of Ordinary Magic. We are very, very interested in supernatural phenomena that are entirely natural and that everyone ignores.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1005,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[419],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-129895","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-arts-culture"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nTime Warps Are Real and What You Should Do About It by Anthony Madrid<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"October 10, 2018 \u2013 All of us have been thinking about this kind of thing for years, here at the Department of Ordinary Magic. 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