{"id":128075,"date":"2018-08-02T09:00:55","date_gmt":"2018-08-02T13:00:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=128075"},"modified":"2018-08-02T10:53:42","modified_gmt":"2018-08-02T14:53:42","slug":"poetry-rx-listen-i-love-you-joy-is-coming","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2018\/08\/02\/poetry-rx-listen-i-love-you-joy-is-coming\/","title":{"rendered":"Poetry Rx: Listen I Love You Joy Is Coming"},"content":{"rendered":"

In our column\u00a0Poetry Rx<\/a>, readers\u00a0write in<\/a>\u00a0with a specific emotion, and our resident poets\u2014Sarah Kay, Kaveh Akbar, and Claire Schwartz\u2014take turns prescribing the perfect poems to match. This week, Sarah Kay is on the line.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

\u00a9Ellis Rosen<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Poets,<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019m in the closet for the sake of my parents. We come from a society where it\u2019s impossible to be gay or queer. They have already faced a lot of disappointment, and though I feel alienated from them at times, I want to spare them any further heartache. They probably wouldn\u2019t disown me, but I know they could never be happy. You might say I have a duty to myself to pursue my own happiness, but I feel as if any happiness I could get would still be bitter and pale. Unlike in Hollywood, there\u2019s no tearful reconciliation to be had here, just endless recriminations and seeing them beaten and bewildered. Do you have a poem for this thorny feeling? Call it love or filial obligation or resentment or pity for my poor, flawed, all-too-human parents.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Yours,
\n<\/span>A Wayward Son<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Dear Wayward Son,<\/span><\/p>\n

Let me begin by saying I am so sorry for this burden you are carrying. I am so sorry that the parents you love are not able to see you in your beautiful entirety, that they are not yet able to love you in the way you deserve to be loved. I am in awe of how you have been able to name and hold all these feelings at once\u2014love, filial obligation, resentment, and pity. I want to recommend an entire book to you: <\/span>Not Here<\/span><\/a>, by Hieu Minh Nguyen. Hieu\u2019s story is not <\/span>your<\/span><\/i> story, but his poetry wrestles with many of the topics you mention, especially the tensions of parental disappointment, sacrificing happiness for someone else\u2019s comfort, and how to love or forgive or endure someone who can\u2019t accept you. Here is an excerpt from Hieu\u2019s poem\u00a0<\/span>Changeling<\/a><\/span>:<\/p>\n

My mother tells me she is ugly in the same voice
\n<\/span>she used to say <\/span>no woman could love you<\/span><\/i> & I watch her
\n<\/span>pull at her body & it is mine. My heavy breast.
\n<\/span>My disappointing shape. She asks for a bowl of plain broth
\n<\/span>& it becomes the cup of vinegar she would pour down my throat.
\n<\/span>Everyday after school, I would kneel before her.
\n<\/span>I would remove my clothes & ask her to mark the progress.
\n<\/span>It\u2019s important that I mention, I truly wanted to be beautiful
\n<\/span>for her.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This poem so perfectly and painfully articulates how it feels to crave an impossible love and approval. \u201cI truly wanted to be beautiful for her,\u201d is doubly heartbreaking: once, because it reveals that the narrator does not see himself as beautiful, and again, because the narrator\u2019s longing is only to make his mother happy. You specified \u201cno tearful reconciliation,\u201d and so this poem has no happy Hollywood ending. Neither do most of the poems in Hieu\u2019s book. Instead, it is what my friend Hanif Abdurraqib would call a \u201csibling in a very specific grief.\u201d I hope that in reading, you will learn that you are not alone in these burdens. Your enormous heart has many siblings. While you try and make yourself \u201cbeautiful\u201d or palatable for your parents, know this: you <\/span>are<\/span><\/i> beautiful\u2014in your truth and in your selfless willingness to bear these burdens\u2014even if they can\u2019t see it yet.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014S<\/span><\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Dear Poets,<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I am in love in a way I\u2019ve never experienced before. I have always kept a safe distance from my relationships, but now I feel vulnerable for the first time. I am emotionally dependent on him, and it makes me anxious and a little scared. I\u2019m happy to be in love and to be loved by him, but I also have this looming fear of getting hurt. Is there a poem out there for this feeling?<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Yours,
\n<\/span>Anxious<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Anxious,<\/span><\/p>\n

I am delighted to share with you Natalie Diaz\u2019s poem, <\/span>\u201cWhen the Beloved Asks, \u201cWhat Would You Do If You Woke Up and I Was a Shark?\u201d<\/span><\/a> In it, Natalie writes,<\/span><\/p>\n

I wouldn\u2019t fight, not kick,
\n<\/span>flail, not carry on like one driven mad by the black neoprene wetsuit <\/span><\/p>\n

of death, not like sad-mouthed, despair-eyed albacore nor blubbery
\n<\/span>pinnipeds, wouldn\u2019t rage the city\u2019s flickering streets of Ampullae
\n<\/span>of Lorenzini, nor slug my ferocious, streamlined lover\u2019s titanium
\n<\/span>
\nwhite nose, that bull\u2019s-eye of cartilage, no, I wouldn\u2019t prolong it.
\n<\/span>Instead, I\u2019d place my head onto that dark altar of jaws, prostrated
\n<\/span>pilgrim at Melville\u2019s glittering gates, climb into that mysterious
\n<\/span>
\nwindow starred with teeth\u2014the one lit room in the charnel house. <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You are used to looking at love from a \u201csafe distance.\u201d From the shoreline, if you will. But now you have dived in, splashed around, and can feel its tides pulling you to their whims. So\u2014it might toss you on the rocks. I suspect you already know this, but you do not get the thrill without the risk. You do not get true intimacy without vulnerability. Instead of offering you a promise that you will not be hurt, I offer you Natalie\u2019s courage instead. She writes, \u201cwhat you cannot know is I am overboard for this \/ metamorphosis, ready to be raptured to that mouth, reduced to a swell \/ of wet clothes, as you roll back your eyes and drag me into the fathoms.\u201d Sometimes a love that is world-rattling is worth placing your head on the dark altar of jaws. But, if your fear is becoming entirely emotionally dependent, know it is possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without becoming water yourself. The narrator of Natalie\u2019s poem remains independent of the shark. It is her <\/span>choice<\/span><\/i> to climb into the mysterious window starred with teeth. It is her agency, her courage that enables her to take the risk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014S<\/span><\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Dear Poets,<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I feel broken, used and lonely. I had a big, ugly breakup last year from an abusive relationship. This year I started liking someone. When I thought things were going well, he broke up with me, saying he doesn’t like me like that. It hurts like hell. Everyday I break into pieces and pick myself up. I have never been loved as hard as I love. I feel so small, so ugly and so unwanted I cannot explain. Any poetry that would help?<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Thank you,<\/em>
\n Unwanted<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Unwanted, <\/span><\/p>\n

Today I send you a poem by Kim Addonizio, titled, <\/span>\u201cTo the Woman Crying Uncontrollably in the Next Stall\u201d<\/span><\/a> which begins,<\/span><\/p>\n

If you ever woke in your dress at 4am ever
\n<\/span>closed your legs to a man you loved opened
\n<\/span>them for one you didn\u2019t moved against
\n<\/span>a pillow in the dark stood miserably on a beach
\n<\/span>seaweed clinging to your ankles paid
\n<\/span>good money for a bad haircut backed away
\n<\/span>from a mirror that wanted to kill you bled
\n<\/span>into the back seat for lack of a tampon<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Does any of this sound familiar? I have been there. I am sorry that anyone has made you feel broken, and I am proud of you for continuing to love as hard as you love. That is the hardest and most important thing. What I recommend is leaning on the ones who <\/span>do<\/span><\/i> love you for a little while. There are many kinds of love: romantic, familial, platonic \u2026 and while it seems that romantic love has taken up a lot of your life lately, please remember that other kinds of love are also valuable and worthy of your time. Sometimes it is a friend or even a stranger who has what you need\u2014the crumpled tissue passed under the bathroom stall. For now, imagine it is me on the other side of that rickety divider, offering you the final lines of Kim\u2019s beautiful poem: \u201cif you think nothing & no one can \/ listen I love you joy is coming.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u2014S<\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Want more? Read earlier\u00a0installments of\u00a0Poetry Rx<\/a>.\u00a0<\/i>Need a poem? Write to us<\/a>! Next week, Claire Schwartz will be answering questions.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Sarah Kay<\/a>\u00a0is a poet and educator from New York City. She is the codirector and\u00a0founder of\u00a0Project VOICE<\/a>\u00a0and the\u00a0author of four books of poetry, including\u00a0<\/em>B,<\/em>\u00a0No Matter the Wreckage,<\/em>\u00a0<\/em>The Type,<\/em>\u00a0and\u00a0<\/em>All Our Wild Wonder.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In our column\u00a0Poetry Rx, readers\u00a0write in\u00a0with a specific emotion, and our resident poets\u2014Sarah Kay, Kaveh Akbar, and Claire Schwartz\u2014take turns prescribing the perfect poems to match. This week, Sarah Kay is on the line.     Dear Poets, I\u2019m in the closet for the sake of my parents. We come from a society where it\u2019s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1411,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[33114],"tags":[34897,34877,15834,386,33978,34898,34895,33979,8432,34899,34896],"class_list":["post-128075","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-poetry-rx","tag-changeling","tag-coming-out","tag-disappointment","tag-heartbreak","tag-hieu-minh-nguyen","tag-kim-addonizio","tag-natalie-diaz","tag-not-here","tag-parents","tag-to-the-woman-crying-uncontrollably-in-the-next-stall","tag-when-the-beloved-asks-what-would-you-do-if-you-woke-up-and-i-was-a-shark"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nPoetry Rx: Listen I Love You Joy Is Coming<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"This week, Sarah kay prescribes poems for those unsure what to do with the terror of new love, the hopelessness of rejection, and 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