{"id":116625,"date":"2017-10-12T09:00:06","date_gmt":"2017-10-12T13:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=116625"},"modified":"2017-10-12T11:41:17","modified_gmt":"2017-10-12T15:41:17","slug":"dear-lynda-want-eat-boyfriends-pets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2017\/10\/12\/dear-lynda-want-eat-boyfriends-pets\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Lynda: I Want to Eat My Boyfriend’s Pets"},"content":{"rendered":"

Have a question for Lynda Barry<\/em>?\u00a0Email<\/a>\u00a0us.<\/em><\/p>\n

A self-portrait by Lynda Barry.<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear Lynda,<\/em><\/p>\n

My boyfriend has been keeping pet shrimp. They\u2019re not terrible pets; they\u2019re low-maintenance and clean their own tank, but honestly they just make me crave seafood. I\u2019ve developed a proclivity for shrimp tempura, shrimp cocktail, fried prawn … and he looks at me like I\u2019m straight up eating puppies. Should I give up shrimp to be a supportive girlfriend?<\/em><\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/em>
\nA Crustacean Curmudgeon<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear CC,<\/p>\n

Well, if it were me, what I\u2019d do is this: I\u2019d get really high and kneel by the shrimp tank with my face really, really close, and on my back I\u2019d wear\u00a0a sign that said DO NOT INTERRUPT ME<\/small>, and then I\u2019d watch the shrimp and start to imagine them as musicians, with hats and tiny instruments, like a marching band or an orchestra or, maybe if there are only two or three, as a jazz combo. It depends on how many shrimp there are. And also the weed. If it\u2019s the right weed, and if your heart is open, you will develop the empathy necessary to\u00a0solve the whole problem for you. But what could also happen is this: you might slowly realize that the shrimp are watching you, too. In fact, they have been watching all along, watching you and listening to your jokey tone, and they know exactly what you are about. And sometimes they imagine you breaded, sometimes you are in a state of sudden tempura, and sometimes you are just curled naked and above the cocktail sauce. And all of them are\u00a0willing this to be.<\/p>\n

It is never wise to chew on the animal your mate loves.<\/p>\n

Sincerely,
\nLynda B.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

Dear Lynda,<\/em><\/p>\n

I have trouble with things not being perfect. I just cleaned the kitchen and it still doesn\u2019t look clean, so I might just never clean it again. I want so badly to be perfect. To write children\u2019s books and be okay with my mistakes and cook food and not let it go to waste and have money to donate to the whole damn world because that\u2019s the important stuff. But then I don\u2019t. I drop out even though all I want to do is drop in.\u00a0How do I change that?<\/em><\/p>\n

Sincerely,<\/em>
\nNot-So-Perfect in Portland<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Dear NSP,<\/p>\n

This reminds me of Three-Card Monte<\/a>, that trick card game you always lose. One card is the part of you that wants something. One card is the part of you that doesn\u2019t want it. And the third card just wants to make sure neither of you ever get what you want. It\u2019s kind of a kick-ass system in terms of efficiency. And there is safety and predictability in it. No matter what card you choose, the other two negate it and no one gets anywhere. I\u2019m also reminded of the\u00a0creatures\u00a0in myths and fairy tales, the ones with three heads but only one body, and the heads are always arguing with each other. The advantage they have is this: at least they know where the problem is coming from. When all the heads are inside the same skull, the source of problem isn\u2019t as evident. I suggest you read the entire Ralph Manheim translations of Grimms\u2019 fairy tales<\/a>. Your problem sounds just like one of those stories, and I think your answer might be there. These stories really do have medicine in them, and they will help all three of your heads, because these stories are about each of them, personally.<\/p>\n

Sincerely,
\nLynda B.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Lynda Barry is a cartoonist, writer, and associate professor in interdisciplinary creativity at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. A reissue of her book\u00a0<\/em>The Good Times Are Killing Me<\/a> is\u00a0out this week.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Have a question for Lynda Barry?\u00a0Email\u00a0us.   Dear Lynda, My boyfriend has been keeping pet shrimp. They\u2019re not terrible pets; they\u2019re low-maintenance and clean their own tank, but honestly they just make me crave seafood. I\u2019ve developed a proclivity for shrimp tempura, shrimp cocktail, fried prawn … and he looks at me like I\u2019m straight […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1253,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[56],"tags":[31023,7261,31025,31021,31022,31024,25955],"class_list":["post-116625","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ask-the-paris-review","tag-crustaceans","tag-grimms-fairy-tales","tag-ralph-manheim","tag-shrimp","tag-tempura","tag-three-card-monte","tag-weed"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nDear Lynda: I Want to Eat My Boyfriend's Pets<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Smoke some really good weed, read some fairy tales, and more advice from Lynda Barry\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2017\/10\/12\/dear-lynda-want-eat-boyfriends-pets\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Dear Lynda: I Want to Eat My Boyfriend's Pets by Lynda Barry\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"October 12, 2017 \u2013 Have a question for Lynda Barry?\u00a0Email\u00a0us.   Dear Lynda, My boyfriend has been keeping pet shrimp. 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