{"id":109531,"date":"2017-04-03T17:56:38","date_gmt":"2017-04-03T21:56:38","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/?p=109531"},"modified":"2017-04-03T18:15:23","modified_gmt":"2017-04-03T22:15:23","slug":"hardware-store-doppelganger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.theparisreview.org\/blog\/2017\/04\/03\/hardware-store-doppelganger\/","title":{"rendered":"Hardware Store Doppelg\u00e4nger"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/a>

May contain duplicates.<\/p><\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

There\u2019s a mom-and-pop hardware store half a mile from my house. It\u2019s the kind of place that if you need two nails, or a small screwdriver, or some bug spray, you might choose it over Home Depot.<\/p>\n

I really like this store, but I\u2019ve had some weird experiences there\u2014specifically, I\u2019ve been mistaken for someone else on multiple occasions. This doesn\u2019t happen to me a lot outside the hardware store. I have a unique look. I don\u2019t mean that as a boast or a knock; I just don\u2019t resemble many other people.<\/p>\n

The hardware-store doppelg\u00e4nger business started about two years ago, when I went in to buy a pint of paint. I noticed a man staring at me, and then sidling up to me, and then changing his mind and walking away. I am not a big fan of sidling, so I made hard eye contact with him, flashing my fiercest what-do-you<\/em>-want look.\u00a0<\/p>\n

He started walking toward me. The closer he got, the more I realized that his forehead was beaded with sweat, and his hands were trembling. \u201cI\u2019m your biggest fan,\u201d he said; words that strike fear into the heart of any public figure who\u2019s seen Misery<\/em>.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m not a celebrity by a long shot; I am not trailed by paparazzi or tattled on in gossip columns. But I do have some very devoted readers, specifically for my food writing and for the travel guide, Roadfood<\/em>. On a good day, maybe one in fifty thousand people might have heard of me.<\/p>\n

In the man\u2019s quavering hand was a piece of paper. \u201cPlease, please, please may I have your autograph?\u201d he pleaded. No longer thinking he was a lunatic, I happily obliged, scribbling something like \u201cHappy Eating, Jane Stern\u201d and handing him back the paper.<\/p>\n

He looked at it and then looked up at me. \u201cWhat the hell is this?\u201d he barked.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s my autograph,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, it isn\u2019t,\u201d he said, with more than enough defiance in his voice. It took only a minute for both of us to figure out that he thought I was someone else. He was not a Roadfood<\/em> fan; he was an opera buff, and he\u2019d mistaken me for his favorite diva. But clearing this up didn\u2019t seem to reduce his anger. He threw the paper on the floor and ground it with his foot, a gesture I\u2019d only seen in movies. \u201cScrew you,\u201d he said as he headed for the door.<\/p>\n

When I got home, I Googled the name of the opera singer he had mistaken me for, and damn if I didn\u2019t resemble her. I mean, not feature by feature. I was looking at a photo in which she was wearing a horned Valkyrie helmet, and I have never worn a horned Valkyrie helmet. But she was a deep-chested, formidable woman like me and I could see where he was coming from.<\/p>\n

The second time this happened, I was heading home from the barn where I\u2019d boarded my horse, Piegan. I\u2019d just ridden and was still wearing my black leather chaps, and I had stuffed my small crop into my beltline. This time I was shopping at the hardware store for a ball-peen hammer. I\u2019d read that keeping one in your car was a good security measure.<\/p>\n

Again I saw a man; again he was sidling up to me and staring at me in a weird way. Instead of being creeped out, as I\u2019d been with the opera fan, I gave him a smile. I was flattered that he recognized me. I was prepared to sign another autograph.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh my God, it\u2019s you,\u201d he croaked. And this was true, it was indeed me, so I nodded and said, \u201cYup.\u201d This man handed me a piece of paper, too: it had his name and phone number on it. As I read, it I could hear his heavy breathing. \u201cPlease call me, I will pay whatever you want,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWho do you think I am?\u201d I asked. He rolled his eyes and said a name that started with the word Mistress<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry, that\u2019s not me,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m Jane Stern \u2026 the writer.\u201d The glisten of excitement left his eyes.<\/p>\n

When I got home, I Googled the name of this \u201cmistress,\u201d who turned out to be a famed dominatrix in the S\u00a0and\u00a0M world. Yes, I did vaguely look like her. I\u2019m sure the black leather chaps and whip sealed the deal. Intrigued, I read everything I could find about her online, including what she charged to beat the crap out of men. I admit, for a moment or two I weighed a midlife career change. After all, I had the right wardrobe, a shiny new ball-peen hammer, and enough grudges to keep me busy for a very long time.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Jane Stern is the author of more than forty books, including\u00a0<\/em>Ambulance Girl: How I Saved Myself by Becoming an EMT.\u00a0She is the canine editor of\u00a0<\/em>Departures.\u00a0With Michael Stern, she coauthored the popular\u00a0<\/em>Roadfood\u00a0guidebook\u00a0<\/em>series. The Jane and Michael Stern Collection,\u00a0comprising forty years\u00a0of their research materials, is on permanent display\u00a0at the Smithsonian<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jane Stern on her local hardware store, whose customers have mistaken her for various E- and F-list celebrities.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":906,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[22700],"tags":[6461,16278,28188,28187,28189,18737,14824,14757,17845],"class_list":["post-109531","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-our-correspondents","tag-celebrity","tag-confusion","tag-doppelgangers","tag-hardware-stores","tag-leather-chaps","tag-lookalikes","tag-mistakes","tag-recognition","tag-sm"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nHardware Store Doppelg\u00e4nger<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Jane Stern on her local hardware store, whose customers have mistaken her for various E- and F-list celebrities.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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