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Possible Titles for His Plaque
squirrel killer
predawn snacker
keeper of a card-table office in the garage
taker of long trips to the bathroom
eater of pork rinds
pisser off of porches
strange understander of small children
owner of a gun in a locked closet
mispronouncer of important words
writer of limericks
faker of injuries
watcher of hummingbirds
writer of caps-locked e-mails
subscriber to risky stock message boards
taker of aspirin
forgetter of birthdays
seller of old shit
lover of depressed golf pros
emergency exiter
backer up of trailers
replacer of fan belts
caster of colored salt nets
builder of an ugly dollhouse
floater of rivers
wearer of a blue-and-red robe
keeper of illegal fish houses
twiddler of thick dry thumbs
curler of electrical wire
reviser of personal history
priest of five A.M. in gainesville
lover of caulk
buyer of deck shoes from ebay
rejector of order
objector of men’s civic associations, particularly the rotary club
understander of lunar fissures
scholar of tackle
grand master of the word ain’t
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