The Daily


Drunk Texts from Famous Authors

January 1, 2013 | by

We’re out this week, but we’re re-posting some of our favorite pieces from 2012 while we’re away. We hope you enjoy—and have a happy New Year!

Jessie Gaynor studies poetry and ill-advised text messages at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop.



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  1. BecomingSydney | June 21, 2012 at 3:55 am

    D. Abu Jaber: bartender’s eyes are heavy with grief. The olives salty and fat with juniper, gin flows easily from glass to tongue. I really need chocolate chip cookies. And Lamb. Roasted Lamb. And bring some hummus. Mmmm cookies

  2. ryanlangerud | June 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    The Stein text was magic.

  3. Dolly Delightly | June 22, 2012 at 10:28 am


  4. DrunkOnTrunk | June 22, 2012 at 1:56 pm


    The spirits said, take us in!
    Vodka, Cognac, and some Gin!
    Quickly quickly, you must consume!
    And then, about me, spun the room.

  5. Roger | June 24, 2012 at 9:57 am

    Marry me!

  6. yujin | June 24, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    this is beautiful

  7. Howard Cowan | July 2, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered cocktail, one which fails to sally forth to meet its critic, but slinks from the bar wear that immortal high is to be fought for, not without hangovers and regret.
    –John Milton

  8. Lori | July 3, 2012 at 10:04 am

    Somebody do Mamet. (My brain’s not on yet.)

  9. KateC | July 3, 2012 at 11:37 am

    It just occurred to me that a number Hemingway’s poems resemble drunk texts, especially this one:

    [I’m off’n wild wimmen]
    I’m off’n wild wimmen
    An Cognac
    An Sinnin’
    For I’m in loOOOOOOOve.
    c. 1922

    *I’m not kidding. This is an actual published Hemingway poem.

  10. Diana | July 3, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    Love drunk Hulk, but also partial to “mine.” want chocolate chips NOW.

  11. Augustus Shackleton | July 3, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    Cormack Mc Carthy
    The sun bled the sky to death while he stood by the bar & rested his elbow there & ordered another drink & some snacks & cigarrettes.
    Can I help you
    One more whisky
    It will be one to many I fear
    You fear for me you mean
    I fear for you
    Don’t. Just pour.
    He vomited for the rest of the afternoon and all the next day.

  12. Fantasist | July 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    This phone is pure concept of my voice
    your ear…soft, perfect ear, though
    phone, just waiting here for all
    thoughts that could be exuded from
    my brain to your brain. Through ear.
    They should make phones in the shapes
    of ears…I would touch it constantly.
    Do you think Jung would say my ear
    fetish is like a Freudian slip for the
    fact that I’m a writer? This text is
    pure conceptual ear…

  13. Lora | July 4, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    Willa Cather
    My calico hem stuck to a briar, a taunting meadowlark jeered, spinning me endlessly into the primrose grasp.

  14. Darya Teesewell | July 5, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Barman, why are you staring at me?
    Are you trying to pick me up
    or throw me out?
    When will you be worthy of your Sandeman Port? When will you stay open past five?
    I should have gone to Chinatown.

  15. Belinda255 | July 7, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Ayn Rand:
    The barman laughed.

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35 Pingbacks

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