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Drunk Texts from Famous Authors

January 1, 2013 | by

We’re out this week, but we’re re-posting some of our favorite pieces from 2012 while we’re away. We hope you enjoy—and have a happy New Year!

Jessie Gaynor studies poetry and ill-advised text messages at the Iowa Writers’ Workshop.

142 COMMENTS

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  1. bh | June 18, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Nicely done! Love it.

  2. Crys Haney-Heflin | June 18, 2012 at 11:55 am

    I think I may have sent a few of those.

  3. eric norris | June 18, 2012 at 12:56 pm

    You forgot Shakespeare’s

    hey nonny nonny
    alas and alack
    i gotta go leak
    I’ll brb…

  4. jf | June 18, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    the funniest thing is that Sappho uses a Nokia

  5. fer cual fer | June 18, 2012 at 1:40 pm

    Hemingway:
    “There is a woman near the bar. I’ll try to score with her. Maybe get into some fight later on, with that man she’s talking to. Give him some good one two, like my old man used to say.”

    Joyce:
    “I may be drunk i don’t know you would love these tiles on the floor they look pretty i wouldn’t know since im really drunk you always said I talked nonesense when i got too many cups what would you care i miss you im so hungry right now how much for the tequila shot again.”

    Bukowski:
    “Loreen, my stiff just got caught in this door and im bleeding like hell, meet in my place, right now, bring some wine.”

    Borges
    “Adolfito, I was listening to this orillero scratching a tango on his guitar, the most infinite melodies he tamed. Then I came to realize the orillero was myself and i had just walked out of the bar.”

    Faulkner
    “”Go away” Sherwood said, “Not until you edit my book” i said, “I said you go away” he said, “I insist” i said, “only if i don’t have to read it” he said, he smacked me on the head and took the book with him. And that’s how I became a writer.”

    Saramago
    “Then everybody in the bar had their drinks refilled out of the blue and no one could explain why it happend but they surely kept on driking, yet the man with the raincoat, who was talking to the dog-faced woman, wasn’t surprised at all, Let’s get it off, i heard him say, Alright, my place or your place, Any place is fine.”

    Melville
    “Cabernet Sauvignon, often referred to as the “King of Red Wine Grapes,” originally from Bordeaux, with a substantial foothold in California’s wine races, has the privilege of being the world’s most sought after red wine. Cabernet Sauvignon grapes tend to favor warmer climates and are often an ideal wine for aging, with 5-10 years being optimal for the maturation process to peak. Because Cabs take a bit longer to reach maturation, allowing their flavors to mellow, they are ideal candidates for blending with other grapes, primarily Merlot. This blending softens the Cabernet, adding appealing fruit tones, without sacrificing its innate character, and me is having another glass, sea-dog.”

  6. Emma | June 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    this is the best thing ever.

  7. Sam Pratt | June 18, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    With famous writers, the first part of “drunk texts” is redundant.

  8. Ash | June 18, 2012 at 3:34 pm

    Raymond Carver:

    Will you please stop texting me please?

  9. Julie | June 18, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    e.e. cummings:

    }}}

    so —

    ;;;;[blacked
    out ]]
    #
    #
    #
    — do you
    have

    my (keys)}}

    ?

  10. DRUNK HULK | June 18, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    DRUNK HULK NO GET WHY THIS FUNNY. SOUND JUST LIKE OTHER STUFF THEY WRITE.

  11. Alex | June 18, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    meh.

  12. danny Gardner | June 19, 2012 at 1:58 am

    shonna mater any glue left?

  13. Lisa Heidke | June 19, 2012 at 4:14 am

    How much do we love Philip Roth!

  14. Noah Cohen | June 19, 2012 at 4:30 am

    Donne:
    Like the sparkle in your eyesssss,
    My drink keeps me guessing into the night.
    My eyes keep undressing thee from afar.
    I shut them tight tho….
    Dear God,
    Let’s fuck plz

    Sydney:
    I on my drink and my drink on me
    doth try our horsemanships;
    ride, my love. Bartender,
    another daiquiri, perchance?

    Dante:
    Midway into my night, I let go,
    Heard a call from another world. Wait,
    Just my cell. Sorry. More grappa, yo.

  15. iliot | June 19, 2012 at 11:46 am

    digestible with a nginig-pepe factor.

  16. No Country for Old Authors | June 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm

    Cormac McCarthy

    the bartender is staring at me with a piteous mix of distain and lost opportunity. his scowl says ‘I’d be able to sell you more if you could hold your damn liquor’ – his tobacco-stained mouth says “Go”

  17. xz | June 19, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Cheever -would- be referred to by his last name.

  18. Gillian Burnes | June 19, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Billy Collins:
    Some time after we lost the soft brown cork
    from the Herradura silver
    You departed somehow through those French doors.

    Perhaps now you could let me know
    whose pants these are,
    just the color of blue Easter eggs,
    and why I am wearing these slingbacks.

  19. Randall Newton | June 19, 2012 at 2:58 pm

    Funniest thing I’ve seen on texting in a long time.

  20. Rob MacGregor | June 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Vonnegut:
    *?

  21. Lisa Larrabee | June 19, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    The f-ers stole all my whiskey, beer, cigarettes, and my glasses so I can’t write … I borrowed a canoe and met up with some natives for supplies … happy again (except my glasses are still missing)

  22. CAMILLE CUSUMANO | June 19, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    F. Sott Sfitzjerald
    The rate of a first-test intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the hand at the same mind, and still refrain from the ability to function. One should, for example, be able to see things are otherwise and yet be determined to make them hopeless.

  23. Melissa Joy Miller | June 19, 2012 at 10:47 pm

    Walt Whitman:

    O Captain! Captain Morgan! My brother!
    O goose that is not grey, white goose, clear goose, goosey goose!!!
    O merrimatter of snafued equilibrioception!
    Do I contradict myself???
    Very well then I contradict myself,
    (I contain bubblies.)

  24. ArtVark | June 20, 2012 at 12:09 am

    William Faulkner

    Drunkenly drunk two gin (and tonics), three martinis (vodka, (shaken) (not stirred (how trite))), but where can one
    get a marguerita (no salt) in Yonknapatawpha?

  25. Lily | June 20, 2012 at 5:42 am

    thank you.

  26. Gareth Calway | June 20, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Let us go then you and I
    Where the evening is spread out against the sky
    And guttering under the table.
    Jug jug.

  27. Michael | June 20, 2012 at 2:23 pm

    Doug Adams:
    Gulp. I am about to enter a three-way with this two-headed twit I met at the restaurant at the end of University Avenue. Panicking.

  28. Levi | June 20, 2012 at 2:26 pm

    O’Brien:

    The man next to me carry d an empty glass. His stocmach carried the Guniess. I carried whisky. And coke. And rum. All in a roughly equal portions. The woman I was talking to carried a bottle or red wine that she kept pouring from. Down it would swirl into her clear crystal glass. She also carried high expectations for me to be a better conversationalist.

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22 Pingbacks

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  17. […] Drunken Texts From Famous AuthorsThe Paris Review |  These are great: Imaginings of what everyone from Dan Brown to Gertrude Stein might text after a few too many. – Jenna Wortham […]

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